Tuesday, 21 December 2010

Germany, Day 5

Weight: 69,8 kgs

Sorry for not bloggin yesterday (although who am I apologising to?)

Had a pretty busy day. I didn't make it to the gym, but I did do some Body Balance in the lounge room in the morning :) Today, though, I'm going to Balance and Pump at the gym and will hopefully get some cardio in beforehand.

As you can see my weight has hardly changed, but god considering the amounts I have been eating I should have gained at least a kg already! It needs to stop. Last night I had stacks of nanna's homemade cookies, and some chocolate, but then I also had an incecream. Secretly. I felt so gross. I didn't need it. Why did I do it?

I really don't want to spend every day here bingeing. It's so crap. But I know complaining doesn't help (because isn't that what I have been doing for the past few days?). I guess I just have to stop this from becoming more of a habit before it's too late. Caus let's face it, I'm doing this mainly because it's habitual, cause I am used to going to bed feeling kinda gross, like I've eaten too much sugar.
And it shouldn't be like that.

I think what  I need is some positive reinforcement. Although I have put on weight since I was last here, it doens't mean that I can't lose it again. And even moreso, it doesn't mean that I will keep putting on more and more. Cookies and Christmas treats taste good in moderation, too. I don't need to binge on them. If I have a cookie today, I can have another one tomorrow. It's not like I will taste anything for the last time today. So I don't need to eat it all at once. There is no point in getting myself down about my weight, because it will only make me binge. I don't need to binge. I am not defined through an eating disorder. Actually, let's say that again: I am not defined through an eating disorder. And that means that I don't have to binge.

These are my decisions, and I can change them.

Monday, 20 December 2010

Day 3, part 2

Checking in again on today, I lost it.

I ate wayyy too much chocolate/christmas stuff. This is ridiculous. I always end up in the same place when I come back to Germany, always overeating, always wondering why, always so badly wanting to lose weight but never doing it.

Why am I taking this time as a free-eat-everything-you-can pass? I really don't get it.

Germany, Day 3

Weight: 69,6 kgs

Soo, I didn't check in again last night (obviously).

Anyway, I ate a bit too much junk yesterday. It actually got me thinking how I ever maintatined my weight when I was still living here. It just seems like there is food on offer everywhere. Especially at my grandparent's, where we go every night to catch up for a few minutes (they live in the same house, so it's kinda the natural thing to do)... On their living room table, I kid you not, there is a selection of sweets bigger than what I have ever had in my pantry in Australia. There is just everything. And considering my willpower is about as good as that of a 2-year-old, I always seem to be eating when I am there. And we all know it's those little bits and pieces that really add up.

To my suprise this morning, then, my weight was exactly the same as yesterday. Wohoo!
I guess my estimations of how much I am eating could be wrong, seeing as I am neither really counting nor writing down anything, but to be fair my mental calorie tracker is usually pretty spot on, and it's been showing me an orange/red light for the past few days. But hey, I won't complain if the scales don't show the same.

I did finally make it to the gym this morning (what with not being able to drive and limited classes on offer, I was pleased). All I can say is it felt so good. I really really really miss the gym., and teaching in general. God. So I did a Step and Pump double this morning which made me feel a lot better. Ideally I will eat a bit less processed crap today, too ;)

Sadly, classes in Germany (or at my gym) are very different. Okay, cut the crap, they are shit. Haha. I mean, technically it's all the same as in Australia, because we have the same music after all, but because the poor instructors have to teach in German, their cues become intensely limited. No hooking into lyrics, and even the names of most tempos and poses sound funny. It's not like most of the participants listen to or understand the lyrics anyway. But ingeneral, I just felt like I a) motivate so much more, talk more loudly and am more enthusiastic in general, and b) talk so much more. It makes sense... When you cut all the fun stuff, leave out the motivaitonal cues (mostly, anyway) you are left with... well... not very much. Having said that, though, average classes are better than none at all, so you will not hear me complain again.

I better be off now, with the goal to not overeat today. Will let you know how that all goes. Sorry for bosing you guys (is anyone even reading?) I'm surre I will soon have some more exciting stuff to talk about. But until then...

Love, M.

Sunday, 19 December 2010

Germany, Day 2

Weight: 69,6 kgs

It's snowing soo much! I love it.

I woke up feeling okay. I did end up having dinner last night and mum and I also had some Christmas almonds (coated in this amazing nougat-spice-chocolate. yumm.) So I actually expected my weight this morning to be a rather unpleasant surprise. But it wasn't! Yay! 69,6 is about what I weighed a week ago, before a couple of binges snuck in, and it's actually less than when I left Australia.

Now while that's good, after my shower I was faced with a bit of a dilemma. All my winter clothes suck. That could be because I a) don't really need winter clothes in Australia and therefore have none / only old ones that are getting a bit small and b) because I have almost forgotten what one 'needs' in freezing winter, because when I am in Australia all I ever wear is gym clothes anyway (so half my suitcase was filled with gym stuff, silly me). Verdict: I need to go shopping. Luckily mum agrees.

We were going to go to Body Balance this morning, but when I woke up and realised my mum was still in bed, I knew that wasn't going to happen (because she takes forever to get ready). I went downstairs to have that thought validated. Oh well. That's when I was happy that I am instructor, because while she started getting ready, I got out my beloved BB music and did about 35 minutes worth of stuff, and also about 10 minutes of free weights (sounds like nothing, I know). At least that's some exercise. Made me feel better :)

It's still only 10.30 am. When mum is ready, we're going out for breaky and then into town (Shops don't open on Sundays in Germany, but because it's the last Sunday before Christmas, they are making an exception). Then we are visitng my dad in hospital. And that's the plan for the day...
I will be back later to check in.


Saturday, 18 December 2010

Germany, Day 1

Dear blogging world,

I know I haven't posted here forever. But I think, given that I'll have stacks of free time for the next four to five weeks, and given that this time is also going to be particularily challenging in the food department, starting this blog again seems more than appropriate.

A quick recap of what's been going on: I was bingeing, got desperate, started this blog and saw a counsellor, got a lot better, with a few ups and downs. Still, I kept gaining weight, even if it wasn't much, and slowly. I then decided I wanted to finally do this weight loss thing, and it went well; I lost 2kgs in about a month. Fast forward two weeks, though, and I am sitting here, in Germany, in my parent's (or should I say 'my'?) home, having only arrived today, and I am basically back to where I started (read: to my heaviest weight), and struggling with incredible urges to binge.


I really did kickstart this holiday on a high note about an hour or so ago, when I was finally home alonge for a bit, and decided to raid the fridge, opting for a protein bar, a choclate bar and a few spoonfuls of chocolate cream cheese (too fricking nice, that stuff). Great. That's also when I decided that I was not going to spend this holiday bingeing every day, regardless of the amounts of super-yummy food surrounding me.

Therefore my plan if to check in here every day if I can. I might even record my food in here, but don't get your hopes up just yet.
All I really wantd to do is eat in a way that will allow me to not gain any more weight, while still enjoying the food I really want, in moderation. But we all know that, for a borderline-relapsing-binge-eater (like myself) that is easier said than done.

I think maybe the main reason I had that mini binge today was actually the fact that my weight was very much on my mind all day. My grandparents picked me up from the airport, and literally within the first 10 minutes, my granddad felt the need to say "Girl, you've really gotten some nice big cheeks" (I can't think of a better translating. The German word he used was "rund/dick", can't really remember, but either can mean anything from round, to big, to full, to fat, and of course in my mind, fat is what he meant).
Then, a few hours later, I saw my uncle, who apparently thought it appropriate to comment on my backside, saying "Oh, you've gotten yourself a real bum", which in my head translated to "Geez, look at that fat butt of yours"...
Therefore all that has been on my mind for the last few hours has been whether of not my weight gain (4 kgs since they saw me last) really is that noticeable. I even asked my lovely mum about it, and she said that my family only feel the need to make comments like that to highlight that I no longer look sick (as I was anorexic 5 yeas ago) , and that they really do not mean to call me fat. And while I can see how that could be true, I still don't believe it.

I now just feel fat. And apparently, whenever I feel that way, I also eat that way...