Tuesday, 21 December 2010

Germany, Day 5

Weight: 69,8 kgs

Sorry for not bloggin yesterday (although who am I apologising to?)

Had a pretty busy day. I didn't make it to the gym, but I did do some Body Balance in the lounge room in the morning :) Today, though, I'm going to Balance and Pump at the gym and will hopefully get some cardio in beforehand.

As you can see my weight has hardly changed, but god considering the amounts I have been eating I should have gained at least a kg already! It needs to stop. Last night I had stacks of nanna's homemade cookies, and some chocolate, but then I also had an incecream. Secretly. I felt so gross. I didn't need it. Why did I do it?

I really don't want to spend every day here bingeing. It's so crap. But I know complaining doesn't help (because isn't that what I have been doing for the past few days?). I guess I just have to stop this from becoming more of a habit before it's too late. Caus let's face it, I'm doing this mainly because it's habitual, cause I am used to going to bed feeling kinda gross, like I've eaten too much sugar.
And it shouldn't be like that.

I think what  I need is some positive reinforcement. Although I have put on weight since I was last here, it doens't mean that I can't lose it again. And even moreso, it doesn't mean that I will keep putting on more and more. Cookies and Christmas treats taste good in moderation, too. I don't need to binge on them. If I have a cookie today, I can have another one tomorrow. It's not like I will taste anything for the last time today. So I don't need to eat it all at once. There is no point in getting myself down about my weight, because it will only make me binge. I don't need to binge. I am not defined through an eating disorder. Actually, let's say that again: I am not defined through an eating disorder. And that means that I don't have to binge.

These are my decisions, and I can change them.

Monday, 20 December 2010

Day 3, part 2

Checking in again on today, I lost it.

I ate wayyy too much chocolate/christmas stuff. This is ridiculous. I always end up in the same place when I come back to Germany, always overeating, always wondering why, always so badly wanting to lose weight but never doing it.

Why am I taking this time as a free-eat-everything-you-can pass? I really don't get it.

Germany, Day 3

Weight: 69,6 kgs

Soo, I didn't check in again last night (obviously).

Anyway, I ate a bit too much junk yesterday. It actually got me thinking how I ever maintatined my weight when I was still living here. It just seems like there is food on offer everywhere. Especially at my grandparent's, where we go every night to catch up for a few minutes (they live in the same house, so it's kinda the natural thing to do)... On their living room table, I kid you not, there is a selection of sweets bigger than what I have ever had in my pantry in Australia. There is just everything. And considering my willpower is about as good as that of a 2-year-old, I always seem to be eating when I am there. And we all know it's those little bits and pieces that really add up.

To my suprise this morning, then, my weight was exactly the same as yesterday. Wohoo!
I guess my estimations of how much I am eating could be wrong, seeing as I am neither really counting nor writing down anything, but to be fair my mental calorie tracker is usually pretty spot on, and it's been showing me an orange/red light for the past few days. But hey, I won't complain if the scales don't show the same.

I did finally make it to the gym this morning (what with not being able to drive and limited classes on offer, I was pleased). All I can say is it felt so good. I really really really miss the gym., and teaching in general. God. So I did a Step and Pump double this morning which made me feel a lot better. Ideally I will eat a bit less processed crap today, too ;)

Sadly, classes in Germany (or at my gym) are very different. Okay, cut the crap, they are shit. Haha. I mean, technically it's all the same as in Australia, because we have the same music after all, but because the poor instructors have to teach in German, their cues become intensely limited. No hooking into lyrics, and even the names of most tempos and poses sound funny. It's not like most of the participants listen to or understand the lyrics anyway. But ingeneral, I just felt like I a) motivate so much more, talk more loudly and am more enthusiastic in general, and b) talk so much more. It makes sense... When you cut all the fun stuff, leave out the motivaitonal cues (mostly, anyway) you are left with... well... not very much. Having said that, though, average classes are better than none at all, so you will not hear me complain again.

I better be off now, with the goal to not overeat today. Will let you know how that all goes. Sorry for bosing you guys (is anyone even reading?) I'm surre I will soon have some more exciting stuff to talk about. But until then...

Love, M.

Sunday, 19 December 2010

Germany, Day 2

Weight: 69,6 kgs

It's snowing soo much! I love it.

I woke up feeling okay. I did end up having dinner last night and mum and I also had some Christmas almonds (coated in this amazing nougat-spice-chocolate. yumm.) So I actually expected my weight this morning to be a rather unpleasant surprise. But it wasn't! Yay! 69,6 is about what I weighed a week ago, before a couple of binges snuck in, and it's actually less than when I left Australia.

Now while that's good, after my shower I was faced with a bit of a dilemma. All my winter clothes suck. That could be because I a) don't really need winter clothes in Australia and therefore have none / only old ones that are getting a bit small and b) because I have almost forgotten what one 'needs' in freezing winter, because when I am in Australia all I ever wear is gym clothes anyway (so half my suitcase was filled with gym stuff, silly me). Verdict: I need to go shopping. Luckily mum agrees.

We were going to go to Body Balance this morning, but when I woke up and realised my mum was still in bed, I knew that wasn't going to happen (because she takes forever to get ready). I went downstairs to have that thought validated. Oh well. That's when I was happy that I am instructor, because while she started getting ready, I got out my beloved BB music and did about 35 minutes worth of stuff, and also about 10 minutes of free weights (sounds like nothing, I know). At least that's some exercise. Made me feel better :)

It's still only 10.30 am. When mum is ready, we're going out for breaky and then into town (Shops don't open on Sundays in Germany, but because it's the last Sunday before Christmas, they are making an exception). Then we are visitng my dad in hospital. And that's the plan for the day...
I will be back later to check in.


Saturday, 18 December 2010

Germany, Day 1

Dear blogging world,

I know I haven't posted here forever. But I think, given that I'll have stacks of free time for the next four to five weeks, and given that this time is also going to be particularily challenging in the food department, starting this blog again seems more than appropriate.

A quick recap of what's been going on: I was bingeing, got desperate, started this blog and saw a counsellor, got a lot better, with a few ups and downs. Still, I kept gaining weight, even if it wasn't much, and slowly. I then decided I wanted to finally do this weight loss thing, and it went well; I lost 2kgs in about a month. Fast forward two weeks, though, and I am sitting here, in Germany, in my parent's (or should I say 'my'?) home, having only arrived today, and I am basically back to where I started (read: to my heaviest weight), and struggling with incredible urges to binge.


I really did kickstart this holiday on a high note about an hour or so ago, when I was finally home alonge for a bit, and decided to raid the fridge, opting for a protein bar, a choclate bar and a few spoonfuls of chocolate cream cheese (too fricking nice, that stuff). Great. That's also when I decided that I was not going to spend this holiday bingeing every day, regardless of the amounts of super-yummy food surrounding me.

Therefore my plan if to check in here every day if I can. I might even record my food in here, but don't get your hopes up just yet.
All I really wantd to do is eat in a way that will allow me to not gain any more weight, while still enjoying the food I really want, in moderation. But we all know that, for a borderline-relapsing-binge-eater (like myself) that is easier said than done.

I think maybe the main reason I had that mini binge today was actually the fact that my weight was very much on my mind all day. My grandparents picked me up from the airport, and literally within the first 10 minutes, my granddad felt the need to say "Girl, you've really gotten some nice big cheeks" (I can't think of a better translating. The German word he used was "rund/dick", can't really remember, but either can mean anything from round, to big, to full, to fat, and of course in my mind, fat is what he meant).
Then, a few hours later, I saw my uncle, who apparently thought it appropriate to comment on my backside, saying "Oh, you've gotten yourself a real bum", which in my head translated to "Geez, look at that fat butt of yours"...
Therefore all that has been on my mind for the last few hours has been whether of not my weight gain (4 kgs since they saw me last) really is that noticeable. I even asked my lovely mum about it, and she said that my family only feel the need to make comments like that to highlight that I no longer look sick (as I was anorexic 5 yeas ago) , and that they really do not mean to call me fat. And while I can see how that could be true, I still don't believe it.

I now just feel fat. And apparently, whenever I feel that way, I also eat that way...

Wednesday, 28 July 2010

hunger and confessions

Here we go, I'm going to try rewrite what got deleted yesterday.

So, what is hunger? How on earth do you deal with it properly??
If you've never struggled with food in any way, both of these questions should be pretty unnessecary. But if you have, like me, you probably can't really answer them.

Yesterday we talked a lot about what it means to be hungry. The reason it came up was because I described how at the moment, I get no joy whatsoever out of eating, out of not eating, out of overeating. Everything is blah. Just like the other day, when I went to the supermarket to buy junk to binge on, but then just stood staring at the food instead, and wound up going home with nothing. Because I get no joy out of it (which I guess is good). Anyway, the psychologist then asked me if maybe the reason was because I wasn't actually hungry. ZING! You've hit the jackpot. When was the last time I was hungry?

Basically, my problem is that for the last five to six years, I have not dealed with hunger properly. When I was anorexic, I wanted to be hungry, I needed to be hungry to feel like I was being successful, and I saw hunger as a measure of how well I'd done. Not only that, but I guess in a way the pain of being hungry was also a kind of punishment I enjoyed giving myself for treating my body so badly and being so 'inadequate'.
Then came recovery. Now I wasn't allowed to be hungry anymore. I had to eat and eat, most of the time until I was overly full, in order to get my stomach back to 'normal size'. And then often even if I wasn't hungry, I still had to eat an extra snack here and there, because after all the ultimate goal was weight gain.
While that is all fine, here are the two main, and most destructive, mindests I created while recovering: a) hunger is bad, I mustn't get hungry, hungry reminds me of anorexia which is horrible; and b) when I eat, I need to eat until I am uncomfortably full, because otherwise I will just be hungry again straight away.

So it seems that these exact mindests are what's haunting me now. I am scared of being hungry, because I think that if I get hungry, I will end up eating stacks of food in order to be extremely full, to go from one extreme to the other. So instead, I am just always eating. Like every hour. All the time. So I never get hungry. That's how I was saying that even though I'm not really binging at the moment, I am still constantly overeating.
And how on earth am I ever, ever going to be able to lose weight if I am scared of being a little hungry?
What we tried to establish yesterday is that hunger is an okay feeling to experience, and that it is also something healthy people experience (duh, but you know...). It's just that I have to learn what it means to actually respond to hunger, rather than ignoring it or bombarding myself with wayyy too much food.

That's why my 'homework' for the week is to listen to my body. To eat when I am hungry. To question whether I am hungry when I am eating, and to see when I am full, rather than overfull. What a bloody massive task!!!
But I am trying. I really am. I am making it more about eating what I want when I actually am hungry, as opposed to putting pressure on myself and forcing myself to eat certain things (ie. "I have to have a salad for lunch today when I am hungry") Because otherwise it would be too much at once. I'm finding it really hard to listen to my body like that, but I'm also enjoying it. The thing I'm having to accept is that if I eat a meal, and get hungry again a few hours later, it's okay to have a small snack, and it's okay if soon after that I get hungry again, too. I don't have to fill my body up with food 'just in case I get hungry', because after all, there is always a chance to eat if I really want it. So that's what I'm trying to do, and to be honest it is kinda nice to experience hunger before I reach for food, because then the food does satisfy me. (Lightbulb moment!!)

Anyway. That's basically what I still wanted to add about yesterday.

As for today, I went and told my Aussie mum about my problem. It was easier than I thought, and it felt good to have her know. The only thing is that I don't think she really understands. When I mentioned binging, she compared me to herself, eating one more cookie after dinner although she had planned not to... And I then tried to explain that binging is much more than that... But I think she got the general gist, and either way she was real supportive. She also urged me to tell Aussie sis as well, and I do want to. I probably will this weekend, seeing as we're all going away together.
The good thing, I guess, is that it won't be something she will always think about when she sees me now, because she doesn't really understand how 'bad' binging is... But she does know how much it is affecting me, and it is a real relief to be able to go to her for a hug.
I was also relief when she then said that we don't have to 'go crazy' with food when we go away this weekend (because we usually do... it's such a goddamn social thing isn't it?) So in a way it is nice to have someone 'watching' me like that.

I don't think I will have time for another post until I get back to town on Sunday night or Monday, so I hope all of you out there have a good weekend. I will come back with lots (hopefully positive things) to report!



Damn, I just wrote a huge post on today's psychologist session. And accidentally deleted it... I'm not going to write it all again now, but tomorrow.
It was a post about my issues with feeling hungry, and my 'homework' for the week in regards to that. But I'll tell you tomorrow.

When I deleted the post, I was just getting onto the second part of the session:
One of my biggest issues is that I feel so lonely with this problem I've got. At least in real life. No one knows that I binge, that I have such a huge problem with how I perceive myself, or that I have been seeing a psychologist. And the pressure of being alone with that is really getting to me.
I know I posted about this before, but I just still haven't overcome my fear of telling someone. I am so scared to be judged. I think my worst fear is that if I tell someone, the first thing they will think when looking at me from then on is "she's a binge eater". And I really don't want that.
On the other hand, I really, really want to be able to speak to someone. The more I don't talk about it, the more I seem to be retreating into this world of no confidence and constant self-doubt and criticism.
It's especially bad at the moment, being back at uni, because I feel everyone is looking at me thinking "wow she has gotten so big." I know this brings us back to my problem of trying to read other peoples' minds and predict what they think about me based on what I think about myself, but I can't help it. Although I am trying to work through it.

I've honestly been feeling almost depressed for the past few days, and I am sick of it. I need to tell someone. So my second piece of 'homework' given to me in todays' session is to tell someone.
I'm going to tell my Aussie mum. I rang her after the gym tonight and asked if I could call in for a cuppa tomorrow. She wanted to know why and I said I'd tell her then, but I'm already ridiculously scared... God, I am so scared of what she will think.
The reason I am doing it so soon now is because we are going away this weekend... I just want her to understand how much I don't like myself at the moment, and how much everything is a struggle, and how sad I am when I overeat over and over again and how out of control I feel. I just want her to know all that before we go. I don't want her to wonder what's wrong if I am not super-happy; I want her to just know, so I can be more at ease, too. I will tell you how it goes...