Tuesday, 21 December 2010

Germany, Day 5

Weight: 69,8 kgs

Sorry for not bloggin yesterday (although who am I apologising to?)

Had a pretty busy day. I didn't make it to the gym, but I did do some Body Balance in the lounge room in the morning :) Today, though, I'm going to Balance and Pump at the gym and will hopefully get some cardio in beforehand.

As you can see my weight has hardly changed, but god considering the amounts I have been eating I should have gained at least a kg already! It needs to stop. Last night I had stacks of nanna's homemade cookies, and some chocolate, but then I also had an incecream. Secretly. I felt so gross. I didn't need it. Why did I do it?

I really don't want to spend every day here bingeing. It's so crap. But I know complaining doesn't help (because isn't that what I have been doing for the past few days?). I guess I just have to stop this from becoming more of a habit before it's too late. Caus let's face it, I'm doing this mainly because it's habitual, cause I am used to going to bed feeling kinda gross, like I've eaten too much sugar.
And it shouldn't be like that.

I think what  I need is some positive reinforcement. Although I have put on weight since I was last here, it doens't mean that I can't lose it again. And even moreso, it doesn't mean that I will keep putting on more and more. Cookies and Christmas treats taste good in moderation, too. I don't need to binge on them. If I have a cookie today, I can have another one tomorrow. It's not like I will taste anything for the last time today. So I don't need to eat it all at once. There is no point in getting myself down about my weight, because it will only make me binge. I don't need to binge. I am not defined through an eating disorder. Actually, let's say that again: I am not defined through an eating disorder. And that means that I don't have to binge.

These are my decisions, and I can change them.

Monday, 20 December 2010

Day 3, part 2

Checking in again on today, I lost it.

I ate wayyy too much chocolate/christmas stuff. This is ridiculous. I always end up in the same place when I come back to Germany, always overeating, always wondering why, always so badly wanting to lose weight but never doing it.

Why am I taking this time as a free-eat-everything-you-can pass? I really don't get it.

Germany, Day 3

Weight: 69,6 kgs

Soo, I didn't check in again last night (obviously).

Anyway, I ate a bit too much junk yesterday. It actually got me thinking how I ever maintatined my weight when I was still living here. It just seems like there is food on offer everywhere. Especially at my grandparent's, where we go every night to catch up for a few minutes (they live in the same house, so it's kinda the natural thing to do)... On their living room table, I kid you not, there is a selection of sweets bigger than what I have ever had in my pantry in Australia. There is just everything. And considering my willpower is about as good as that of a 2-year-old, I always seem to be eating when I am there. And we all know it's those little bits and pieces that really add up.

To my suprise this morning, then, my weight was exactly the same as yesterday. Wohoo!
I guess my estimations of how much I am eating could be wrong, seeing as I am neither really counting nor writing down anything, but to be fair my mental calorie tracker is usually pretty spot on, and it's been showing me an orange/red light for the past few days. But hey, I won't complain if the scales don't show the same.

I did finally make it to the gym this morning (what with not being able to drive and limited classes on offer, I was pleased). All I can say is it felt so good. I really really really miss the gym., and teaching in general. God. So I did a Step and Pump double this morning which made me feel a lot better. Ideally I will eat a bit less processed crap today, too ;)

Sadly, classes in Germany (or at my gym) are very different. Okay, cut the crap, they are shit. Haha. I mean, technically it's all the same as in Australia, because we have the same music after all, but because the poor instructors have to teach in German, their cues become intensely limited. No hooking into lyrics, and even the names of most tempos and poses sound funny. It's not like most of the participants listen to or understand the lyrics anyway. But ingeneral, I just felt like I a) motivate so much more, talk more loudly and am more enthusiastic in general, and b) talk so much more. It makes sense... When you cut all the fun stuff, leave out the motivaitonal cues (mostly, anyway) you are left with... well... not very much. Having said that, though, average classes are better than none at all, so you will not hear me complain again.

I better be off now, with the goal to not overeat today. Will let you know how that all goes. Sorry for bosing you guys (is anyone even reading?) I'm surre I will soon have some more exciting stuff to talk about. But until then...

Love, M.

Sunday, 19 December 2010

Germany, Day 2

Weight: 69,6 kgs

It's snowing soo much! I love it.

I woke up feeling okay. I did end up having dinner last night and mum and I also had some Christmas almonds (coated in this amazing nougat-spice-chocolate. yumm.) So I actually expected my weight this morning to be a rather unpleasant surprise. But it wasn't! Yay! 69,6 is about what I weighed a week ago, before a couple of binges snuck in, and it's actually less than when I left Australia.

Now while that's good, after my shower I was faced with a bit of a dilemma. All my winter clothes suck. That could be because I a) don't really need winter clothes in Australia and therefore have none / only old ones that are getting a bit small and b) because I have almost forgotten what one 'needs' in freezing winter, because when I am in Australia all I ever wear is gym clothes anyway (so half my suitcase was filled with gym stuff, silly me). Verdict: I need to go shopping. Luckily mum agrees.

We were going to go to Body Balance this morning, but when I woke up and realised my mum was still in bed, I knew that wasn't going to happen (because she takes forever to get ready). I went downstairs to have that thought validated. Oh well. That's when I was happy that I am instructor, because while she started getting ready, I got out my beloved BB music and did about 35 minutes worth of stuff, and also about 10 minutes of free weights (sounds like nothing, I know). At least that's some exercise. Made me feel better :)

It's still only 10.30 am. When mum is ready, we're going out for breaky and then into town (Shops don't open on Sundays in Germany, but because it's the last Sunday before Christmas, they are making an exception). Then we are visitng my dad in hospital. And that's the plan for the day...
I will be back later to check in.


Saturday, 18 December 2010

Germany, Day 1

Dear blogging world,

I know I haven't posted here forever. But I think, given that I'll have stacks of free time for the next four to five weeks, and given that this time is also going to be particularily challenging in the food department, starting this blog again seems more than appropriate.

A quick recap of what's been going on: I was bingeing, got desperate, started this blog and saw a counsellor, got a lot better, with a few ups and downs. Still, I kept gaining weight, even if it wasn't much, and slowly. I then decided I wanted to finally do this weight loss thing, and it went well; I lost 2kgs in about a month. Fast forward two weeks, though, and I am sitting here, in Germany, in my parent's (or should I say 'my'?) home, having only arrived today, and I am basically back to where I started (read: to my heaviest weight), and struggling with incredible urges to binge.


I really did kickstart this holiday on a high note about an hour or so ago, when I was finally home alonge for a bit, and decided to raid the fridge, opting for a protein bar, a choclate bar and a few spoonfuls of chocolate cream cheese (too fricking nice, that stuff). Great. That's also when I decided that I was not going to spend this holiday bingeing every day, regardless of the amounts of super-yummy food surrounding me.

Therefore my plan if to check in here every day if I can. I might even record my food in here, but don't get your hopes up just yet.
All I really wantd to do is eat in a way that will allow me to not gain any more weight, while still enjoying the food I really want, in moderation. But we all know that, for a borderline-relapsing-binge-eater (like myself) that is easier said than done.

I think maybe the main reason I had that mini binge today was actually the fact that my weight was very much on my mind all day. My grandparents picked me up from the airport, and literally within the first 10 minutes, my granddad felt the need to say "Girl, you've really gotten some nice big cheeks" (I can't think of a better translating. The German word he used was "rund/dick", can't really remember, but either can mean anything from round, to big, to full, to fat, and of course in my mind, fat is what he meant).
Then, a few hours later, I saw my uncle, who apparently thought it appropriate to comment on my backside, saying "Oh, you've gotten yourself a real bum", which in my head translated to "Geez, look at that fat butt of yours"...
Therefore all that has been on my mind for the last few hours has been whether of not my weight gain (4 kgs since they saw me last) really is that noticeable. I even asked my lovely mum about it, and she said that my family only feel the need to make comments like that to highlight that I no longer look sick (as I was anorexic 5 yeas ago) , and that they really do not mean to call me fat. And while I can see how that could be true, I still don't believe it.

I now just feel fat. And apparently, whenever I feel that way, I also eat that way...

Wednesday, 28 July 2010

hunger and confessions

Here we go, I'm going to try rewrite what got deleted yesterday.

So, what is hunger? How on earth do you deal with it properly??
If you've never struggled with food in any way, both of these questions should be pretty unnessecary. But if you have, like me, you probably can't really answer them.

Yesterday we talked a lot about what it means to be hungry. The reason it came up was because I described how at the moment, I get no joy whatsoever out of eating, out of not eating, out of overeating. Everything is blah. Just like the other day, when I went to the supermarket to buy junk to binge on, but then just stood staring at the food instead, and wound up going home with nothing. Because I get no joy out of it (which I guess is good). Anyway, the psychologist then asked me if maybe the reason was because I wasn't actually hungry. ZING! You've hit the jackpot. When was the last time I was hungry?

Basically, my problem is that for the last five to six years, I have not dealed with hunger properly. When I was anorexic, I wanted to be hungry, I needed to be hungry to feel like I was being successful, and I saw hunger as a measure of how well I'd done. Not only that, but I guess in a way the pain of being hungry was also a kind of punishment I enjoyed giving myself for treating my body so badly and being so 'inadequate'.
Then came recovery. Now I wasn't allowed to be hungry anymore. I had to eat and eat, most of the time until I was overly full, in order to get my stomach back to 'normal size'. And then often even if I wasn't hungry, I still had to eat an extra snack here and there, because after all the ultimate goal was weight gain.
While that is all fine, here are the two main, and most destructive, mindests I created while recovering: a) hunger is bad, I mustn't get hungry, hungry reminds me of anorexia which is horrible; and b) when I eat, I need to eat until I am uncomfortably full, because otherwise I will just be hungry again straight away.

So it seems that these exact mindests are what's haunting me now. I am scared of being hungry, because I think that if I get hungry, I will end up eating stacks of food in order to be extremely full, to go from one extreme to the other. So instead, I am just always eating. Like every hour. All the time. So I never get hungry. That's how I was saying that even though I'm not really binging at the moment, I am still constantly overeating.
And how on earth am I ever, ever going to be able to lose weight if I am scared of being a little hungry?
What we tried to establish yesterday is that hunger is an okay feeling to experience, and that it is also something healthy people experience (duh, but you know...). It's just that I have to learn what it means to actually respond to hunger, rather than ignoring it or bombarding myself with wayyy too much food.

That's why my 'homework' for the week is to listen to my body. To eat when I am hungry. To question whether I am hungry when I am eating, and to see when I am full, rather than overfull. What a bloody massive task!!!
But I am trying. I really am. I am making it more about eating what I want when I actually am hungry, as opposed to putting pressure on myself and forcing myself to eat certain things (ie. "I have to have a salad for lunch today when I am hungry") Because otherwise it would be too much at once. I'm finding it really hard to listen to my body like that, but I'm also enjoying it. The thing I'm having to accept is that if I eat a meal, and get hungry again a few hours later, it's okay to have a small snack, and it's okay if soon after that I get hungry again, too. I don't have to fill my body up with food 'just in case I get hungry', because after all, there is always a chance to eat if I really want it. So that's what I'm trying to do, and to be honest it is kinda nice to experience hunger before I reach for food, because then the food does satisfy me. (Lightbulb moment!!)

Anyway. That's basically what I still wanted to add about yesterday.

As for today, I went and told my Aussie mum about my problem. It was easier than I thought, and it felt good to have her know. The only thing is that I don't think she really understands. When I mentioned binging, she compared me to herself, eating one more cookie after dinner although she had planned not to... And I then tried to explain that binging is much more than that... But I think she got the general gist, and either way she was real supportive. She also urged me to tell Aussie sis as well, and I do want to. I probably will this weekend, seeing as we're all going away together.
The good thing, I guess, is that it won't be something she will always think about when she sees me now, because she doesn't really understand how 'bad' binging is... But she does know how much it is affecting me, and it is a real relief to be able to go to her for a hug.
I was also relief when she then said that we don't have to 'go crazy' with food when we go away this weekend (because we usually do... it's such a goddamn social thing isn't it?) So in a way it is nice to have someone 'watching' me like that.

I don't think I will have time for another post until I get back to town on Sunday night or Monday, so I hope all of you out there have a good weekend. I will come back with lots (hopefully positive things) to report!



Damn, I just wrote a huge post on today's psychologist session. And accidentally deleted it... I'm not going to write it all again now, but tomorrow.
It was a post about my issues with feeling hungry, and my 'homework' for the week in regards to that. But I'll tell you tomorrow.

When I deleted the post, I was just getting onto the second part of the session:
One of my biggest issues is that I feel so lonely with this problem I've got. At least in real life. No one knows that I binge, that I have such a huge problem with how I perceive myself, or that I have been seeing a psychologist. And the pressure of being alone with that is really getting to me.
I know I posted about this before, but I just still haven't overcome my fear of telling someone. I am so scared to be judged. I think my worst fear is that if I tell someone, the first thing they will think when looking at me from then on is "she's a binge eater". And I really don't want that.
On the other hand, I really, really want to be able to speak to someone. The more I don't talk about it, the more I seem to be retreating into this world of no confidence and constant self-doubt and criticism.
It's especially bad at the moment, being back at uni, because I feel everyone is looking at me thinking "wow she has gotten so big." I know this brings us back to my problem of trying to read other peoples' minds and predict what they think about me based on what I think about myself, but I can't help it. Although I am trying to work through it.

I've honestly been feeling almost depressed for the past few days, and I am sick of it. I need to tell someone. So my second piece of 'homework' given to me in todays' session is to tell someone.
I'm going to tell my Aussie mum. I rang her after the gym tonight and asked if I could call in for a cuppa tomorrow. She wanted to know why and I said I'd tell her then, but I'm already ridiculously scared... God, I am so scared of what she will think.
The reason I am doing it so soon now is because we are going away this weekend... I just want her to understand how much I don't like myself at the moment, and how much everything is a struggle, and how sad I am when I overeat over and over again and how out of control I feel. I just want her to know all that before we go. I don't want her to wonder what's wrong if I am not super-happy; I want her to just know, so I can be more at ease, too. I will tell you how it goes...


Tuesday, 27 July 2010

I'm alive!

Hey everyone,

Just wanted to say I am still alive!
I've been really really busy for the last few days, or so it seems. But to be fair, uni started again yesterday, and that is making me a lot busier. And I was basically out all weekend. Still, all I wanted to do was update my blog - I think it's a bit of an addiciton!

So here I am, in the spare hour between uni and gym.
Let me start with an update on my weight... Or, well, what I know. Remember how I said I was only going to weigh myself at night? That's what I have been doing, and pretty much my weight has only ever changed by 100-400g up or down, which means regardless of what I actually weigh, I have stayed the same. That's not great, but a huuuuge plus when compared to gaining weight!

Now to my eating. Still haven't counted any calories, but I am writing down my food. Except for today and yesterday, I pretty much managed to greatly reduce my sugar intake, and it felt good. But then I am back at uni now and there is the most delicious banana bread calling my name every time I get a coffee. Can't say I have resisted yet! I'll work on it.
In terms of binging, I've been doing ok. I haven't binged. I still feel like I kind of overeat each and every day though, and that's annoying. But it's not binging.
Seeing the psychologist again tomorrow, too, so that should be good.

So while all that sounds great, I can't say I have been too happy for some reason. I've been feeling pretty lonely again (why???) and just generally a little negative. I also find it really hard to look at myself in the mirror at the moment, because I feel so 'fat'.
This gonna sound horrible, but I think my best friend plays a pretty significant role in why I've been unhappy... Please don't get me wrong guys, I love her to bits. She is amazing. But she is so negative. She is probably the most negative person I have in my life. And she only ever complains that she hates her life, she wishes she was prettier, she hates this or that person... She isn't motivated and always complains that everything is 'too hard'. And I find myself doing the same now!! I am actually shocked everytime I hear myself say "f*ck life", because she says it all the time, and I don't even mean it (and I doubt that she does, she is just unhappy with herself). But you know how when you repeat something over and over, it becomes exactly the way you feel? So yeah. My self talk is pretty bad at the moment. The problem is though that even if it wasn't, then I still hear my best friend say that kind of thing 24/7, which is essentially the same as me saying it... I might bring that up with the psychologist tomorrow.


I had to come back to finish this post. Just adding one thing: Today was weird in terms of eating. It was like I was so dissatisfied. Nothing I ate really made me feel good at all, I kept feeling kind of hungry, I wanted to binge all day, but at the same time I didn't (went to the supermarket and stared at all the junk food... then decided it would make me feel even worse and only bought a single muffin, which I guess is a good thing!). Just nothing felt right. I'm not sure why. So in the end I probably ate too much today, although at least I was sensible enough not to binge.

There's a few other things I want to say but quite frankly don't have time right now.
But I will keep you updated.


Thursday, 22 July 2010


Okay, here it goes. If I think about not only my eating but also my binging behaviour, I am almost 120% sure that I am addicted to sugar.
Don't know if any of you are familiar with Sweet Poison by David Gillespie? He believes that sugar is in fact a drug that can cause a physical addiction. And I think he is right. I read his book ages ago and made a half hearted attempt to wean myself off sugar, obviously to no success. Anyway, there now is a Sweet Poison Quit Plan, which I bought a few days ago. In there he describes his journey to becoming virtually sugar free, and outlines steps for anyone to follow.
Now I am not saying I want to become sugar free because it doesn't seem realistic for me. But I think his approach might help me to change my habits. Why do I think I am addicted to sugar? Well. For example: I would pick sweet over savoury any time, literally. I can't remember the last time I genuinely craved a savoury food (except for vegies after a binge). When I binge, it's safe to say that 99.9% of the items consumed are full of sugar, and if they are not, I will do whatever it takes to add sweetness to them (don't ask). Not only that, but I feel like I often binge for flavour. Like last night. It's hard to explain, but all I wanted was sweet (usually cookies), and as much as possible. My biggest fear about giving up binging is giving up sweet things. When I binge and run out of sweet things or things I can make sweet, the binge is usually over. Sound like a sugar addiciton???? It does to me!!!
So if that is true, reducing overall sugar intake could help me want it less, which could help me reduce binges, yeah? I really don't want to be a Type 2 diabetic by the time I am 25.

What I thought I could do is what David suggests in step 2 of his plan: Recognise and list my sugar habits, and then come up with avoidance strategies for each. So here goes:
(I also consume ridiculous amounts of sweetener btw, I won't try to cut it out, but at least to reduce it)

  1. I love sweet breakfasts at home. Toast with Jam, Golden Syrup or Honey. I also love oats, with ridiculous amounts of sweetener. Have only vegemite, avocado, butter or cream cheese / cheeese on toas. Cut out sweetener in porridge. Opt for weetbix with fruit?
  2. Eating breakfast out, I usually go for the sweetest option on the menu. Bircer Muesli, Muffins, French Toast (oh dear) and Fruit Salad. Have a fried brekky! Add a serve of mushrooms instad of fruit salad.
  3. When I go out for coffee with a friend, I usually get banana bread or something that resembles a cake or cookie. Buy something savoury. If nothing appeals, I am clearly not hungry. (I was thinking about that before, and it is so true. I'm usually not hungry but need my sugar fix anyway)
  4. I like to have cake or something similar as a saturday treat. Have a foccacia, sushi, nuts, German bread from a good bakery instead.
  5. I like protein shakes. Replace with things like boiled eggs, chicken, tuna (which I love)
  6. Dessert at Aussie Mum's or Sister's house. Not sure if I can avoid it, but my options are to say no or to just have one serve.
  7. Hot chocolate after dinner. Have a cuppa! I love tea.
  8. Now the Biggie: Bingeing on sweet foods. I'm gonna try this next time I want to binge: Binge on savoury food instead (I am allowing myself this as a test) That means chips, crackrs, anything like that. I doubt that it would have the same appeal. I never feel an urge to go and buy something savoury
  9. I like sweet snacks. Buy savoury snacks instead!!!
  10. At fast food outlets, I usually go for the most sugary items on the menu. Just get a bloody burger instead. If it doesn't appeal, you don't *need* to be eating.
  11. Alcohol and the accompanying beverages. I am leaving this one to last. ;)
So here are my habits and how I can avoid them... Not sure if I will use this list, but at least it is there!

I'm off to get things done now.


Telling someone...

Firstly thanks for the support on today's first post, I really appreciate it. In general thanks to everyone who is reading.

I'm just back to say that I did binge... And it was terible. I had the biggest inner conflict going on all through it, yet I didn't stop!!!! Gahh.
Not that I know much about psychology, but I remember reading about self-fullfilling prophecies once. That basically means that whenever someone is led to expect something to occur / or someone to act a certain way or have certain attributes based on whatever detail of that persons' character, they will subconsciously make it happen. (I read this in regards to stereotypes, where it's basically like, if a teenager is constantly exposed to the idea that all teenagers take drugs, they are more inclined to eventually take drugs themselves) By all means correct me if I am wrong.

Anyway, I think with that first post alone, I set myself up for failure. Because I acknowledged that I acknowledged my inner struggle with the rice puddings! I thought I wouldn't be able to resist them, then I posted that fear here, and as a result I wasn't able to resist them. So I had all four. Awesome lunch, hey? And after that, it all went downhill because I had to try soo hard to fight the urge to binge. I had tea at my Aussie mums' house and stopped and got junk on the way home. It was dreadful, because I pulled up at three different places, made myself turn around and not get anything twice, and then gave in. Bloody hell.

It's all nice and pretty that I recognise that thinking does not equal acting, but if I don't apply it, that recognition won't get me very far, will it?? I think that brings me back to the idea of having to take it one step at a time, and being willing to accept a relapse when it happens. But now I just feel like I am making excuses!!! I feel so unhappy with myself right now.

At my Aussie mum's, I almost told her about my problem. Noone actually knows, except for my lovely people on Ck, and one of my friends in Germany (who is probably reading, hi!). I didn't tell anyone because I don't feel like they will be able to understand, like at all.
Funnily enough the psychologist asked me about that. It was a bit like this:

Her: Does anyone know you are here today?
Me: No, I'm too scared to tell anyone about my binging, because they won't understand and it's embarassing.
Her: Why do you think that? Is there anyone you'd like to tell?
Me: My Aussie mum, I guess. But I don't know, I'm scared of what she'll think.
Her: What would she think?
Me: Well, actually I have no idea.... (pause to think, and here I remembered that my hostmum used to be really overweight, and told me lots about her struggle with emotional eating; end pause) I don't think she could judge me really... Actually maybe she would understand.
Her: See. So why haven't you told her?

Why haven't I? I want to, but I'm still scared. Although I know that she is likely to be the one person that will understand, I feel like I am putting myself in an incredibly vulnerable position by telling her. I guess I am also scared that after I tell her, she will think about what a pig I am everytime we have a meal together... Is that ridiculous? Or is it reasonable?
I just feel like it would be so good to have someone that is neither a psychologist nor a member of an online forum to talk to about this. Someone that knows me. But the problem is, that I can't possibly tell anyone who has never in any shape or form struggled with food, because they would simply not understand (take my best friend as a prime example). But I just wish that I had someone to whom I could say look, the reason I am so sad tonight is because I binged yesterday, or because I know that when I drive home I will feel compelled to binge. The reason I'm so quiet is because I am unhappy with myself, because  I am doubting myself beyong belief, because I think everyone is judging me for how I look. But I don't have anyone like that just yet.
This sounds a lot more negative than it should, but I hope you understand what I am trying to say.

On a different note, I think I want to change my hair colour.
I am thinking maybe a dark red. I had red hair years ago and loved it, but got over it quickly, so I would only go semi permanent this time. Hmm. I am so tempted! Maybe I'll go tomorrow?

Anyway, I apologise for turning this good day into a bad one... Good night fellow bloggers! xxx


Wednesday, 21 July 2010

Things are looking... ahead!

Hello fellow bloggers!

Sorry for the few days of absence; luckily I can say that I've not been hiding because I've been bad. Huge sigh of relief.

It just seems that from Tuesday through until Thursday mid-morning, I am really really busy. Or at least, I don't get much of my usual internet time, because that generally happens at night before and after dinner. But on Tuesday and Wednesday night I am at the gym til late (Tuesday because I talk to my friend at reception for 2 hours until the gym closes, and Wednesday cause my class is on late and I have early nights due to the 6am Thursday class). So yeah, that's why I haven't been blogging.

Firstly I just need to say how goooood it feels to be back at the gym. I'm still careful, only doing what I *have* to, and not doing cardio, so I don't run myself down straight back into how I felt last weekend. It's working.

In terms of binging I have been doing ok. I can't say I have binged, which is great. What I have done is eat without the need to eat... Every night. I just had to reach for something sweet. But it was never a binge. So that's a plus. I bought myself some rice puddings now, because at 160 calories, that is a fairly nice amount for a prebed snack.
Initially when I picked up the packets (I bought 4 rice puddings in total), I thought "uhh, I better not eat these all at once. That's gonna be hard." Then I thought "Hang on, what are you thinking, you're setting yourself up for it already." So what I must keep in mind is that one very valuable thing I took away from monday's counselling session, which was this:

The thought does not have to equal the behaviour.

I love this. I tell myself all the time. It's so true. Just thinking about binging does not mean it has to happen. There is still a period of time between the thought and the act in which I have a chance to stop. The same goes for feelings. Just because I feel lonely or bored, does not mean I have to binge. I can do other things instead. It's okay to be lonely or bored every now and then. I thing I am starting to get my head around that.

I don't know where my weight is at at the mo' but from nightly weigh ins I am guesing it's a lot higher than I would like it to be. Have been weighing 70-71 at night, which means I probably actually weigh something around 68. Ugh. So I have promised myself not to weigh in the morning until one night I see the 68.something on the scales, so that I won't be completely shocked by the morning weigh in. I think weighing at night is working well for me! As is not recording, at least in terms of avoiding binges. I guess I am probably eating maintenance cals, but I can live with that for the time being. It's better than sticking to diet cals and binging because the number Ck shows me looks nice and low.

So overall things are looking up, but I know I have to be careful whenever I say that. So I guess I can at least say things are looking ahead as opposed to down or backwards ;) that works, right?

That's all for now, but I will probably be back for another (more theoretical) post later! At least you know what's going on in my world now, if that's what you were after!


Sunday, 18 July 2010

Insights, insights, insights...

So I had my psychologist appointment today. Very insightful.
It was mainly just me telling her things, and then she would pick up on things I said, add something, ask me how I felt it related, and then point something out to me. It was so good. She made me realise I few things I hadn't realised before.

One of my main issues is self criticism. I mean, I knew I was critical of myself, but I think maybe I am to a higher degree than what I thought. And because I am so critical of myself, I use food to punish myself for not being good enough.
I also seem to project those feelings onto others. Which means that I think just because I constantly judge and criticise the way I look, others will, too. And that's so true. Sometimes before teaching a class I have a minor freak out about whether they will all think I've gotten fat... And it can take me 30 minutes to find something to wear. For exercise for god's sake!! I think that because I think I'm fat, everyone else will think the same. I am convinced that other people will go looking for all the little imperfections they can find in my appearance, and that they will pick up on them and judge me for them. This is almost making me cry. It's so true.
And it's not just for exercise, but also other things involving my appearance. Like I hate, hate going to the hairdressers, I hate getting facials or my makeup done, and I shy away from getting a manicure, pedicure or massage, because I can't stand the thought of someone else doing stuff like that to my body. Because all the time while they are doing it, all I can think is Oh god, what are they thinking about me? I bet they think I look fat/ugly/gross. And I didn't realise at all that this was the case. But the psychologist asked me how I treated myself aside from food or exercise, and I said I hated all those things I just mentioned before, and she asked why, and I said I didn't know, and then she pointed this out, and I suddenly realised she was right.

How crazy. I think I have a huge, huge fear of being criticised or judged. What I pointed out was that my conscious mind knows that noone else will judge me to the degree that I do. But still my subconscience hasn't caught up. That means technically I never feel good enough, always feel like a bit of a failure. Zoey (I'm sick of calling her 'the psychologist') suggested that I constantly tell myself that others won't judge to the degree I think. As she said, different people have different persepectives, so just because I think a certain way, doesn't mean others will. And she is right. So the next time I feel overwhelmed and scared of being criticised, I will tell myself that it is all in my head. That it's me, that I am the only one creating the criticism and judgement.
She also said to maybe slowly become accepting of things like facials and other treatments, to practice letting go a bit. I like that idea.
I really need a massage, so I think that's where I will start, maybe on the weekend.
It's also about finding something to treat myself with that is not food. Because I do use food as a treat. Sometimes I even use food as a treat for having resisted food! So silly. So criticism and the pressure and fear it creates is definitely a big issue for me... I knew that all along, but it feels much clearer now and I can see how it all ties in.

Another obvious issue is control and the lack thereof... I mean, control is what it's all about, right? I'm trying to control, trying to control everything. But when I fail, I punish myself with food once again. And food is the only thing I feel I cannot control. Because I have conditioned myself to feel that way.
It's always been about control, ever since I had anorexia. But the constant weight gain since recovering from that is reenforcing that extreme feeling of not having control. And so often when I decide to not eat a certain food, not eat at a certain time, eat this or that or not buy this or that, my fear of lacking control kicks in, and leads me to actually lack control. I don't know, it's so twisted.

And then there's the binging in response to feelings. A bit thing Zoey pointed out was to just accept feelings rather than trying to drown them with food. Loneliness and boredom are my big ones, but they are ok to feel sometimes. The next time I feel lonely, I will just go alright, I'm feeling bad. That's ok. How can I work with that? How can I maybe make myself feel better, instead of using food to make myself feel worse? (which brings us back to finding other ways of being kind to myself).

While I feel so much better about being aware of all these things, the first reaction I had was "but how am I not going to forget all this?" You know, it's great to say the next time I want to binge out of loneliness, I will sit down and evaluate my feelings instead, but in the actual moment of the binge it might all be forgotten. The key is to not aim so high. Zoey gave me a great analogy, about running a marathon, but I am going to change it into becoming an instructor (because it applies more):
You can't go from doing your module training to having your first class by yourself in one day. Although in the mdoule training you have learned a lot, it doesn't mean you will know how to apply all this new knowledge at once. So you practice. You practice, and you teach with someone else. And there will be bad days, and there will be good daysm where everything goes to plan, until you are ready to go on your won. But even then, some classes will be great, and others not so much, but that's life.
That basically means that I can't expect to reverse all my bingeing behaviours at once, and that I will need to prepare for a few setbacks. I need to remember that, but it does make a lot of sense.

There is more stuff I could talk about in more detail, but I think for one post, this is more than enough. Thanks for taking the time to read, and let's see how I go with it all.


Yay, I'm sick....

Today was pretty much eventless.... Turns out I have tonsilitis, which was what I guessed.
Around lunchtime, I just couldn't bear the pain, and decided I would go to the doctor's today instead of tomorrow. So finally I got some antibiotics, thank god. They take up to 24 hours to kick in, but it is a little better still.

When I could work up the energy, I made myself some beautiful soup with all the pumpkin, cauliflower and carrot I'd been meaning to use up for a few days now. Threw in some organic lentils and voilá - perfect therapy for my throat!
So that was the only thing I ate because everything else I attempted just wouldn't agree with my throat, and I've had to have my water ice cold in order to get it down. Which was why I thought some ice cream would be really great for my throat. So I went and bought some. I bought only a small tub, but ended up eating pretty much the whole thing... To be fair, aside from the soup, it's the only thing I had. While I know that's not great in terms of calories, I'm not beating myself up about it, because I'm sick, and restricted in what I can get down.

Looks like I will have to get my classes tomorrow night covered again. But to be honest I'd rather stay away from exercise one more day, than get back into it too quickly and thereby keep myself from getting better. And quite frankly, if I feel like this tomorrow, I won't be in any condition to exercise, anyway.
I don't think I'll cancel the psychologist though, because even though it hurts to talk, I just don't want to have to reschedule, and I figure it's only an hour, so if I want I can go back to bed for the whooole day afterwards!

You know what I have worked out, by the way? One of my biggest diet-downfalls is the absence of lunch. I don't purposely skip lunch, I just never know what to have. So most of the time I'll just have lots of snacks, which basically means I spend mid-morning to late-arvo in a semi-hungry state. That then leads me to believe that I mustn't have eaten much (although 90% of the time I know that in fact I have) and then I reach for the odd snack food, which I then can't control, which then ends in a binge. That's why I think planning my days in advance will help, because then at least I will have a set lunch in there.
Tomorrow I'm planning to have soup for lunch, and then my Aussie sis dropped off some low fat homemade sheperd's pie before (bless her, it's my favourite) so that will be dinner, maybe with some extra steamed veg on the side. God, I'm really craving an apple, too. But right now that's a bad idea. As soon as my throat is happier, though, it'll be the first thing on the menu ;)

Anyway, a rather boring post today, sorry guys! I'm sure tomorrow will be much more exciting, what with the psychologist and all, so until then-
good night!


Saturday, 17 July 2010


This blog's sole purpose is to remind myself of my own most powerful tool: Change.
I know that it's the most logical concept there is, but for some reason it's also one of the hardest to put into action. So often I say: "If you don't like it, change it. Easy" Maybe it's time to practise what I preach (actually, let's scrap the 'maybe').

The one thought I had before was this: The only place change can happen is within myself. It's as simple and obvious as that. If I want my body, my life, my thoughts or my behaviour to change, I have to start at the root of it all, which is within.
It's so obvious I wonder why I'm even writing it down, but I am writing it down because although I know it, I don't live by it.

I want to start making small changes that will hopefully turn into big changes and eventually into permanent change.
I'm currently trying to decide wether to ditch the scales and/or the calorie counting. I'm not sure if either would be beneficial. In the past, whenever I have ditched one or the other, I seem to have given myself an awful lot of freedom, which I would then abuse by bingeing, because I can't see the damage in numbers (cal or kgs...)
On the other hand, looking at a low daily calorie total and a low weight on the scales has led to many many binges, so obviously that isn't the ideal solution either.
I'm thinking I might, maybe for a week, just try and plan my food one day in advance, and then stick to that. So I will still have it written down, but without numbers. And I was also thinking to weigh at night. I weigh anything from 2-4kgs more at night (ridiculous, but I do drink a lot of water as well) as opposed to in the morning. So I think seeing a higher weight might be better motivation.. Plus, I weigh at night anwyway, so it would basically just mean avoiding the morning weigh in, which I dread anyway.
Should those be my first two small changes then? I think so.

1) Plan food one day in advance.
2) Only weigh at night.

I will do this just for a week, until next Monday, and see how I go.

Today and yesterday I sort of binged by the way. Yesterday was more mindless eating of leftovers, though, and today was within a social setting, so more overeating then bingeing, and I even resisted the urge to stop and buy chocolate on the way home. I had vegies instead :)
Still, I feel pretty disgusting. I feel lethargic, frustrated, bloated. I know most of it is because I am sick, which also means I can't exercise (exercise being my one body confidence booster). But it will pass. Catch you guys tomorrow!!


Friday, 16 July 2010

It's crazy...

It's crazy how many poeple there actually are that seem to have the same issues as I do.
In a way, of course, it's such a reassurance to know I'm not alone. But it also makes me sad and scared. It's horrible to think how many others experience the same episodes of bingeing, and also how many of those people have probably had this for years and years, as opposed to just one year or a few months.

If I know one thing, then it is that I want to overcome this. I will not eat myself into obesity. I won't. I do value my health, I really do. I know that somewhere down the track, I lost my sense of direction, so I just need to find it again. I mean, what would really be so bad about being normal? Nothing, that's right. It shouldn't be my relationship to food setting me apart from others. That's not the aspect of myself that makes me unique. I have so much more to offer. Like having turned my passion for gym classes into a career. Like having two families, one in Germany, one in Australia, that are always there to support me. Like having moved over here when I was only 16 and being failry independent at 19. Like knowing what I want, and being able to put the effort into getting it. That's me. Not bingeing. It's like bingeing is the other me.

Just for that last point I made. That's something that really bugs me. I'm quite driven in all aspects of my life, just whenever I set myself a food-behaviour related goal, I don't succeed. Now one could argue that the reason is putting too many expectations on myself, wanting to be too perfect. But I don't think that's it, because is a binge free life really asking so much? I think the problem is that I don't believe in myself enough. I just don't believe that I have control over food anymore. So I think what I really need to do is reestablish my belief in myself and my own capabilities. I mean really, no control over food? Food isn't even alive. Food has no active ability to force me to eat it, it's all in my head. Then again, someone made a valid point the other day, when they said that while an alcoholic can cut out alcohol alltogether in order to get better, a binge eater can't. Because although food itself has no power, we still need to eat to survive. And I think that's where many people go wrong when they enter a binge-starve-binge-starve cycle. Of course denying everything will only lead to wanting everything.
So obviously, the key is moderation.

But how does one practice moderation if moderation is a foreign concept?
Honestly, I can't remember the last time I opened a packet of a treat type food and didn't finish it in a day. In most cases I may not have eaten it all at once, but maybe gone back to finish it after an hour or two, which is essentially the same. It just all seems a bit overwhelming. So I am meant to practice moderation, eat healthily but still allow myself trreats, and to drop the guilt. To me, at the moment, as soon as I drop the guilt, my ability to moderate my food intake goes out the window. At the same time though, feeling guilty makes me eat more. So I eat more either way? I guess that's the problem. But how do you go about solving a problem like that?

On another note, I am  so sick. :( I have a horrible horrible sore throat and just feel generally tired and run down. I had to get my classes this morning covered, which really sucked because I love saturday morning classes, and all my Ladies had said they would be there... But sometimes you just need to take time out for a rest, right? Plus my voice wouldn't really survive for longer than 5 minutes anyway, when screaming into a microphone... Just hoping I will feel better tomorrow, because I'm meant to be filling in a class at a new gym...

Oh and also, does anyone know a good place to get ideas for tattoos? All the internet pages seem pretty crappy. I really want another one, just need some inspiration!


Thursday, 15 July 2010

Sometimes I wonder

Somtimes I wonder how many more times I will start all over again.
Sometimes I wonder how many more times I will tell myself "this is the last time I'm doing this".
Sometimes I wonder how many more times I will wake up feeling full, sluggish and bloated after binging the day before.
Sometimes I wonder how many more times I will opt out of change and numb myself with food.

On the upside, I rang a psychologist today. As I was saying on ck, I'm a little bit sceptic. It seems all counsellors around here are not specified on eating disorders (which makes me go: WTH?! There are so many people with EDs out there). So I just rang a general psychology place and got an appointment with a psychologist on Monday morning at 9am. I just hope that she has at leats encountered someone with binge eating before.

Now the weekend is stretching out ahead of me like a big challenge in terms of food. I don't want to binge again. I will really try tomorrow and Sunday. I've eaten the odd bits and pieces today, but not really felt hungry at all. Although I am craving a whole lot of vegies, so that's what I'll have for dinner.

Also, I think yesterday's binge has pushed me over the edge into being sick. I have such a sore throat, but still had to teach a class today and am doing a double at the gym tomorrow. So I'll just try and rest up, eat lots of fresh foods, and pray that I feel a whole lot better tomorrow.

(That's my tat, btw. I need to remember that I have Strength on my back. Mental and physical. Haven't seen much of the mental strrength of late. I need to believe in myself more)


How embarassing.

*Warning: This post is going to be quite contradictory to that of yesterday.*

When, WHEN did I start being like this??
Today has been a complete disaster - a huge binge. It started at lunchtime, and finished just now (I hope).... It involved cookies, chocolate, cookie dough and ice cream (sweet tooth anyone). And now I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself. I hate that I do this and that I am so AWARE of my behaviour.

This is me just then: Went and bought a block of chocolate, get in the car, open the chocolate. First thought (accompanied by a choc square): "Damn, I should really stop binging." Next piece. "I wonder if you can get help, like see a psychologist or something" Next piece. "Nah, that would be silly, noone would take me for granted." HA!

And here's another, possibly my biggest, problem and binge trigger. It's something that wasn't the initial trigger for my binges, but something that I feel keeps them coming. (I want to kick myself for thinking, for saying, this, but I will. It's about honesty here.) So what's the trigger? - I'm not fat. (WHAT?!) That's right. For some reason, I feel like in order to start really fighting this, I need to look the part, or else I don't deserve help... But seriously??
I think it was a bit like this when I was struggling with anorexia, too. Mentally I was most definitely *sick*, but physically I wasn't quite so skinny yet, so I *needed* to keep losing weight. Then finally, when I was so skinny that my parents got scared, I was ready to seek help. I almost felt like then, I deserved/actually needed the treatment (and like at that point no one would say: "what, she's anorexic? Yeah right, just look at her, she's not even skinny")
And that's why I think that it's the same crime being repeated here, just by a different criminal.
Also, I actually think that I am opting for binging purely because no other eating disorder appeals anymore. This sounds so bad, but let me explain: Anorexia is something that I deeply dispise, because I can still picture myself day after day, lonely by choice but incredibly hurt and fragile, sitting on my bed, crying, thinking about what I could but never would eat. No. I hate it. Not only that, but I also exercise now, and I wouldn't want to lose form by not eating (yet at the same time, I stuff my face with crap, which is also counterproductive, but nevermind...) And then there's Bulimia. But oh god, that, to me, is the most horrible thing. I just can't throw up (and thank goodness for that, it's so dangerous in the long run), I don't even do it when I'm drunk. So what else is there, aside from being normal, which clearly I'm not? Right, binging.

I know none of that is an excuse. I'm really really over this though. But I'm too scared to get help. I don't know where to go. I'm scared that I'll go to someone, and they will tell me not to obsess, and that obviously I'm not *fat*, so I don't need help. I'm also scared that whoever I go to will not UNDERSTAND binging, and simply things I'm talking about the odd extra biscuit here and there. And even moreso I am scared to *come out*. It's so different to being too skinny. People don't see you as this poor, fragile little being, but rather as someone disgusting, who is a pig for not having any self control. That's what I think anyone. So how can I possibly go about telling someone "I have a huge problem with binge eating", when a) they will not understand what it means to binge and what loss of control feels like and when b) they will think that the simple decision to stop will be enough to stop.
I also dread the idea of telling someone about my problem, because I am, after all, a representative of the fitness industry. I feel like such a pretender. Day after day I have the joy of sharing my passion for exercise, and of motivating others. But I don't only motivate them to work out. I also motivate them to lead healthier lives. How dare I do that considering how unhealthy I myself am??

I don't know what to do. This has to stop!!

Love, M.

Wednesday, 14 July 2010

just rambling ;)

Yep, I feel better.
I didn't binge today. Ate about 2000 calories but that's absolutely fine, because check out the exercise I did: 15 min walk on the treadmill, a Body Combat Class, a Yoga Class and Pump! Yeah I was bored.
Took my car for a service, and they drop you off at a shopping centre and pick you up from there. The shopping centre happens to be a 10 min walk from my gym, and a 15 min walk from my place, so to kill time I went to the gym, then home to shower, back to the centre, and voilá, I had killed 4 hours and my car was ready again! Yay. And then tonight I was teaching as usual, so the exercise just kinda added up.
But I loved it and am not feeling too sore, and I made sure I got over 100g of protein today. So I feel good.

Actually, I felt REALLY happy today. I guess I kinda once again realised that weight isn't everything, and when I was looking at my reflection in the gym mirrors I didn't look too bad. Still, I gotta stay focused on my goals. I know one of the reasons I feel happier this week is that I am a lot busier than last week. Lots of catching up with friends etc. Remeber that links back to what I said about feeling lonely and like I have no friends. CLEARLY, I do :) So I feel good. But at the same time I think feeling social is also my reason for overeating. Funny isn't it? But they do say emotional eaters will eat in response to ANY emotion, so I suppose it makes sense. Doesn't mean it's ok though. I have 13 days to beat now!

I wonder how I will go this weekend, because I am going to a bra party at my Aussie mums house, and she is making loads of food, as am I, and my Aussie sis... So there will be stacks of beautiful, naughty, home made goodies. Hmmm. Luckily Saturday is my big workout day (althought that seems to apply to every day this week) So my plan is too keep the cals down in the morning, and maybe skip dinner, as the party is in the arvo. But overall, I'm going to put the focus on not binging as opposed to not going over calories. So hopefully it will be fine!

I haven't rung the doctors yet by the way. I kinda want to, but at the same time I'm back to thinking 'it's not a priority in my life right now' (whether I can have children or not). I hope that doesn't come across as careless. A lot of my older friends keep saying "You'll want kids once you are married". But kids just don't exist in the image I have of my future life... Although I do realise that it might change as I get older. But anyway, for now, I'm not getting it checked. I will just bring it up next time I go to the doctors for something else I think.

Ok, I best be off to bed now. 6am class tomorrow which means a 4.45am start! EEK! But at least the Thursday morning ladies are super nice :)

Binge free count: 1

Good night!!

Tuesday, 13 July 2010

Back to zero.

I gotta be honest here. I'm gonna reset my binge counter. From 13 to 0, now I just need to beat that.
While I don't feel like I have *binged* as such, I haven't been very *normal* with my eating. The last 2-3 days, I have deliberately eaten too much. There wasn't that extreme loss of control or self loathing associated with a full blown binge, but it was just like "Well, I may as well eat more". That got me between 2000 and 3000 calories. I've also exercised lots in the last 3 days, but the things I ate just aren't things where I can say "ok, it was healthy, I won't count it as a binge" or something like that.
So back to zero it is. My weight is at 67kgs now, which is a bit more than last Friday, because obviously I haven't *made up* for my weekend yet (more like the reverse).

This is what always happens, I get motivated and make goals, and then forget about them or make myself believe they are unnessecary. I won't let it happen this time. I'll keep blogging.
It all starts with the first day, right??

Love, M.

Monday, 12 July 2010

I'm ok?

Evening fellow bloggers, bingers and whatever else you are.
I feel I need to blog to stop myself from bingeing right now. It's always hard to get back into it after the weekend, isn't it? (unless, obviously, if you have been good all weekend, and I clearly haven't).

Last night I almost binged. I ate about 2800 calories, most of which were milk, though. God I love milk. When I entered it all, though, I realised that I didn't want to make the day worse. I also didn't really hit a moment of 'lost control', so I will let myself off.
Bought these milk coffee biscuits, though, cause I have to make a cake for Saturday. I need about 1.5 packets for it, so obviously had to buy two. Why did I buy them today?? It's silly, I know what I'm like. I've been sitting here for the past hour thinking about slowly devouring a whole packet. So now I partly surrendered and got 6 out. I won't have more. I promise.
Calorie wise that brings me to 1800, but that's ok, because I exercised a lot today. Why though did I want to binge so badly? I think the main trigger tonight is 'habit'. It's like I have programmed by brain to believe that I can't buy certain foods anymore without bingeing on them. And cookies, being my biggest weakness, make the top of the list. Yet, completely neglecting the sensible me, I went and bought these cookies days before I would even use them. But, hey, if I stop now, I will achieve two vital things, those being a) that I can trust myself a little more and b) that I am binge free for 11 days. 11 days! MUST. NOT. RUIN. THAT.

On a different note. I did a pregnancy test today. Now, before your alarm bells ring, I didn't reaaally think I was pregnant. Actually, there was almost no way, caus I'm pretty sensible. And the test was negative, too. Anyway, the reason I took it was that I haven't had my period since about February, when my boyfriend broke up and went off the pill thinking there was no longer a point for the time being (which turned out to be a false assumption, but that's besides the point).
So to explain why then I didn't get worried I need to go back a bit. Remember how I said about being anorexic in 2005? Well, at the time, I'd had my period for about a year. But obviously when you become really underweight, your body goes "yeah, the last thing we need now is a child, so let's take the focus off that stupid ovulation and hope we can keep that fragile starving heart going instead"... So it was goodbye period. The strange thing was, that even as I was back to eating healthily, enough and being at a healthy weight, it didn't come back. So what I was advised to do by my Gyno (spelling?) was to take these hormones that set off my period, and to then go on the pill to keep it coming. Done and done. So for the past 3/4 years, I hadn't actually ever had my period without the input of hormones from the pill.
So then when I went off it at the start of the year, I kinda expected it to be irregular. But what I didn't expect was not getting it AT ALL. Like not even the slightest little bit. And it's been five months.
What scares me is that a lot of anorexics become infertile, because they make their bodies stop ovulating for so long. I have often had that thought in the past few years, but never really in a serious way. I guess I'm only 19, and to be honest I imagine my life to be much for fullfilled with a job and partner than with a child. But still, not having the OPTION of having children would be a drawback.
So yeah, I don't really know what to do. I am considering going to the Doc's about it... But I just feel silly, because I don't really *want* children. Ah I don't know. Wouldn't it be weird? Or maybe I'm just scared of the truth... I might ring them tomorrow if I can work up the courage... Maybe.
Funnily enough I just watched an episode of Skins, and one of the girls finds out she is infertile, which basically makes her break down. I can't see myself reacting like that, although to be fair I can't picture any sort of reaction because I still don't believe it's the case. But, what a coincidence, hey? Anyway, please do share any advice or thoughts you have (if there actually is someone out there, that is).

I will have two more cookies, and then I'm off to bed. Just two more, I promise.


Saturday, 10 July 2010

Men. (OT)

Wow, time is flying. Wasn't I gonna blog every day? But anyway, am here now, it's been a bit busy. I'm still on uni holidays, and while last week I was over them, now I wish the next 2 weeks would be longer, I don't really wanna go back.

I've been doing very well with my food which is great. Yesterday though I went out drinking etc, but it was still a good day overall: Started with Pump and a ridiculously hard cardio class, and then I was fairly active all day. It was actually nice, last night. As I was getting dressed, I could really tell that being 'good' for a week makes a difference. I felt so much better about myself. Like I actually felt ATTRACTIVE in what I was wearing. It was nice´. That's what I need to remember. Especially on a day like today, where I am hungover, bored, having a rest day and am by myself, I mustn't binge. Well, that's why I am back here, anyway. Even the scales were nice to me this morning though. 66.4kgs, and that after I had already drank lots and lots of water. But, I do know that alcohol stuffs up your water levels so it may not be accurate (although usually I am heavier the morning after!!)

Alright, so I sort of want to talk about last night, but I sort of don't (TMI and all). I had a major flashback from the past. This new place has opened in town and it's sorta 'scene' (rock etc) club. I went there with my friend last night, and I bumped into this group of people I was really close to a few years ago. They're all about 3-4 years older than me (with a few exceptions), but I stopped being friends with them because all they do is drink, work shitty jobs, drive around, and drink more. I'm not really like that, so we drifted apart. Having said that, we did have good times together so seeing them was weird!
Not only that, but among them was this guy I used to have a 'thing' with. For about 8 months, we were having a casual realtionship, went out for a week of that but he cheated, and then somehow it just stopped. He's a serial cheater and a bit of a manwhore, but nevertheless I was crazy about him. I would basically accept our relationship on any terms he wanted as long as I could still have him, I would do almost anything. But, for the last, well, 14 or so months, I hand't seen him.

But then, last night, I'm walking up to the door, and just hear someone say "Well, well, M., fancy seeing you here." I think my heart skipped a beat. I swallowed, sad hi and hugged him, but couldn't really gather my thoughts. All the while my best friend is standing next to me (knowing him and my history) giving me warning looks. Anyway we went in, and he started texting me, then we met inside, and wound up making out. It was just like I remembered, and it was good. Basically we agreed that he'd come back to mine at the end of the night (bear in mind we were both pretty intoxicated). Then, though, we seperated and I wound up with this other guy... and we went home together. Now I've never done that before. I wasn't too drunk to think clearly, so I can say that it was a fairly conscious decision. And he was sexy (Tatoos head to toe, 6 years older, he looked a bit like the lead singer from Blink 182). Plus it gave me the opportunity to not enter danger territory with the ex. So yeah, all that led to an interesting night, which I'm not gonna describe in detail (and it doesn't matter).

But then when I woke up, I had 7 texts from Mr Ex, asking where I was (which was odd, as he usually would move on to the next girl). Today, he is still texting me, and we may or may not have made a date for Thursday or Friday night. Woah. So I am completely confused, and a bit cautious. I just don't know if I should go there, although I really want to (there is a lot more to that relationhip of ours, because his sister and I used to be mates and hate each other now, but that's a whole different story). So what to do? I know I could have just said no, but obviously part of me wants it or I wouldn't have said yes. Looks like I'll be spending my week anticipating another text from him... I'll keep you posted.

Anyway, my verdict from last night is that I have a major confidence boost now! Sorry for going so offtopic, but I just wanted to write this all down and see it more clearly.
As I said, food is going ok. I am up to 9 binge free days if I make it through today - YAY!

Love, M.

P.S: No, I don't go out and get with a different guy every weekend. This was pretty much a one off. Please don't lose faith in me ;)

Wednesday, 7 July 2010

Hey, I have goals!

I do.
Sorry I didn't blog yesterday, but I was out all day and basically just collapsed into bed when I got home. I went to Melbourne with my friend for the Dexa Scan, and am glad to report that I stuck to my calories for the day! How good is that. Usually holiday mode would kick in and I'd go off the rails, but I didn't. That means that if today goes to plan, I have six binge free days under my belt. That's almost a week. Doesn't it take 21 days to break a habit? So maybe my goal for now will be to make it to 21 (and I am a third of the way there!)

As for the Body fat scan. I got a 'good' result. I guess. Of course I'm not happy, because I am me, and I have huuuge expectations. But anyway, it turns out that my FMI (fat mass index) is 7.46. The 'acceptable' category ranges from 7-9, while ideal is 5-7, and under 5 is athlete. That means I am soooo close to ideal.
I would love to eventually get under 6... My overall body fat is something like 30%, but according to the guy who did the scan that number is virtually irrelevant. They give you like a thermal image from the scan which reveals which regions of your body are bone, fat and muscle. Fat is yellow (eww). Basically, there is a yellow outer layer starting from my hips all the way down to my knees, and a little around my calves (eww, I know, apologies) - which means that's where I carry the fat.
It was a bit frustrating to see, because I know that those are exactly the regions in which I gained most of my weight (my pants told me!) I do wonder, though, how much fat I could lose from there, just because 'stocky' legs (or a tendency towards those) are something I most definitely inherited from my mum!

Anyhoo, here goes my plan. I always say that 'if you're unhappy, you gotta change it'. So it's time to practice what I preach. My friend and I have booked our next scan for in about 8 weeks' time. We have made a bet that we will both get to a certain goal by then, or else the loser has to spend a 100$ on the winner (shopping in Melbourne!) So if we both don't make it we both lose 100$, but if only one of us makes it the loser has to spend 200$. That's a fair bit. So that's good.
So my goal is to get to about 64kgs in the next 8 weeks. I would aim for 63, but 64 is more realistic, I think I can get there (I KNOW).If I'm lucky, that will put me in the 'ideal' range for FMI. Basically my plan of action is to get serious about my calorie intake now. I know that that is what's been my problem all along, but for god's sake, I gotta go through with it at some point! And to be honest I do not want to see my money wasted on a second scan if I can't see a change til then!
So I'll be eating 1400-1700 6 days a week, and then on day 7, if I have stuck to these cals, I will allow myself more, but I will make sure I record so I know the damage. With that come my usual 7-12 hours of weekly exercise.
Good luck to myself!
I will keep you guys updated. It's important that I don't stop this blog as I am starting to feel 'safer' about binging.

Love, M.

Monday, 5 July 2010

Settling back into a routine.

So it's day 4 without binging today. Wohoo! I think it really does take a few days to clear your system after a big binge (or two, or three...) I just have to be careful now that I don't get too comfortable, because that's when I start losing control again.
I am trying, though, to listen to my body and to not deprive myself of foods I want. I figure whenever I do, I end up buying lots of said foods, whereas if I'd let myself have a small amount in the first place, it mightn't have happened. I just keep reminding myself how much better it is to go over calories by a little than by a lot, especially if it's weight loss calories I'm talking about.

So I woke up with a craving for banana bread, and after the gym I went and bought a slice and it was divine, and so worth it. I CAN treat myself without it ruining my day food wise.

I'm quite excited for going to Melbourne tomorrow. I'm having a DEXA scan that will accurately measure my body fat, and tell me exactly how many calories I should be eating for maintenance and weight loss. I think my body fat will be fairly low, as I've been doing strength training consistently for a long time (2 years?) now. And I can see that I have pretty decent muscle definition, which is great.
Hopefully the doctor will be able to give me some advice as to what weight I should aim for, or how I should go about it. I think if my body fat comes up as fairly low, I am much more inclined to accept myself the way I look now. I just hate how the BMI can be so goddamn misleading in determining whether a fit person is overweight or not. So I am keeping my fingers crossed for the results to be something close to what I hope / expect.

love, M.

Loneliness... that's what I was gonna talk about.

So. Loneliness.
Like I said before, I think feeling lonely is something that sets off binging for me.
I seem to often cancel on social outings, and then end up binging. I don't know, it's just something I do. I think it's because I 'punish' myself for being what I consider anti-social.
As I'm writing that, rational self is screaming that I'm being silly. Of course, everyone will sometimes cancel on something, and opt for a night in over a night out. But whenever I do, I am overwhelmed by an urge to binge. Most of the time part of the reason for my cancellation will be cause I don't want to go over calories while out, like when it's about drinking or eating out... So I guess my subconscious mind is led to believe that because I am staying in, I am saving calories, which means I can have a handful of [insert high fat / sugar / carb food here], and we all know where that ends.
So I guess I can add that to me list of binge triggers.

But anyway I have gone off topic.
Do you ever think about loneliness?
I have this theory: I think we ALL sometimes feel lonely. It's just something humans do. Even the most popular people will feel lonely sometimes. Even my Aussie mum, who I think is such a social bee, said to me the other day that she felt like she had no friends. And my best friend said it to me on the weekend... "I need more friends." And I was like "no you don't, you have friends, you just think you don't." But then I went home and felt the same way. Why is it we feel lonley so easily, and why is it we sometimes forget how many people there are in our lives that actually care for us?

Here's the thing. I think one of my biggest problems is being single. The fact that I'm not over my ex isn't helping the matter at all. He broke up four months ago and my heart still aches when I see him, with his amazing skin, gorgeous hair, beautiful voice and eyes. I just can't help it. And we are such good friends. He is so nice to me, as if we were still together, just minus love and sex. But anyway, my point is that, being single at the moment, I feel like there is a huge gap in my life, like I really really need to fill it or I'll just be lonely. That's so weird, because I never have been a relationship person. But with Mr Ex my whole outlook on the topic changed, and I now want nothing more than to feel that connected to someone I love (as ridiculously as it sounds, I honestly thought I might marry this guy).
So now I often feel like no one else will ever come along. I feel like this perfect guy rejected me, so no one will want me, or I won't find someone I can love that much again. I get really sad and depressed when I see happy couples, or even when I'm watching movies or TV and there are two people in love. I just long for it so much, and that's a side of me I never knew before.
So why do we measure loneliness by whether we are in a relationship or not?
It's silly, right? Because loneliness is so person-independent. By that I nmean that you can be married, but still be the lonliest person. Shouldn't we ourselves, in a way, be good enough company FOR ourselves? Does this maybe come back to "if you love yourself, others can love you"... So that if I don't love myself, maybe I can't RECOGNISE the fact that others can or will love me... And don't they say you gotta be open for love in order for it to come?
I don't know. I feel like I'm having a bit of a Carrie Bradshaw moment, to be honest. (although I haven't used her "I couldn't help but wonder" yet ;) )

All I do know is that I DO have friends. In fact I even have a best friend. And I have a family that loves me. And I also know that loneliness should not depend on a romantic relationship, as well as I know that cancelling on plans is OK once in a while. But the problem is, just like when rational and binge self are having a fight, that my conscience hasn't quite conviced my subonscience of these apparent facts of life, so I figure I will just keep repeating them to myself....


Just on a different note: Binge free day number 3 is done and dusted. And I stayed within calories. Baby steps! :)

love, M.

Sunday, 4 July 2010

New week, new motivation

So it's monday again. I'm so happy to report that I didn't binge yesterday. As a matter of fact, I left my savings card at home. I did take 10$ though. And I was a bit on edge, when I found out that we were having dinner, bread AND dessert. While all that only put me at 1500calories for the day, my first thought was "damn, I've screwed up". As soon as I recognised that thought, I tried to think rationally: If this is stuffing up, a binge will make it worse... It's better to be over by 100calories than by 1500, isn't it? Now binge self couldn't really argue with rational self there, hey?
So I just drove straight home. No stopping at a drive-through or servo, just straight home. I then had a low fat hot chocolate and watched DVDs all night. And I felt GREAT.
And as if the scales knew of that little success, they showed me a lovely (given the circumstances) 66.9kgs today. Phew.

I have my food mostly planned and am feeling strong, so that's good. The only danger about today is that I'm teaching 3 classes. Sometimes that gives me an incentive to binge because 'I deserve it'... I'm just going to focus on the fact that if I nurish my body properly today, I will be rewarded by feeling wonderful tomorrow, cause my muscles will have worked and recovered. So if I make it through today, that's 3 binge free days under my belt. I'm feeling confident.

I have been doing lots of thinking about reasons for why I binge, and I think one of my biggest triggers is feeling lonely. I'll come back later though and share my thouhghts on that one, gotta rush off to the gym now!

love, M.

Saturday, 3 July 2010


So, firstly I'm gonna do a bit of a check in. Today the scales greeted me with 67.7kgs... While that still makes me want to bang my head against the nearest wall, at least it means that being over 68 yesterday was a result of fluid...
Did ok foodwise yesterday, not weight loss cals, but I figured I'd rather eat maintenance than try to save lots of calories, which usually results in me then going out and buying stacks of food to binge on later at night. So I'm gonna give myself some credit for that.
Shockingly, though, wiht the weight I had this morning, my BMI is now exactly 24 :(( that's pretty horrible. That is scraping the 'overweight' category. I'm having my body fat professionally measured on wednesday, so at least that will show me to what extent my BMI is an ACCURATE representation of my weight....

Anyway, how am I feeling today?
Well. It's a bit of a non-event really. There's lots of stuff I should be doing - cleaning, grocery shopping, washing, exercise - but nothing appeals so I'm just being incredibly lazy. That's dangerous. Usually days like today end in a binge, especially considering that I am going to my Aussie sisters' for tea tonight (like I said yesterday). But I'm gonna make a conscious decision NOT to binge OR go over my calories today. I won't.
What I need to make myself understand is that my weight is a more or less direct consequence of my food intake, so I need to change my food intake in order to change my weight. Eating more won't change anything. There, I said it. You get that, brain?

Don't really have much else to say. I'm gonna do some sort of low key exercise later (yes, yes I will, but to be fair I've done so much this week, it's okay for today to be my day off). Will come back later today or tomorrow to tell you how I go. Uh, and I haven't forgotten that I said yesterday that I'd leave my debit card at home tonight, so that I can't by any binge foods!
C'mon. I can do it. Feeling determined!

Love, M.

Friday, 2 July 2010

This could be the first day of a binge-free life (or, lots of philosophical rambling)

I just need to commit.

Unsurprisingly, I woke up feeling horrible. The scales showed a shocking 68.5kgs - and alltime high. Now, I know that it's fluid etc, but it's still horrible, and it still shocked me.
I started the day with a double at the gym and am currently sipping a big skinny latte, while trying to figure out where I am at, why I am here, and how I can move on.
Where am I at?? I am at a point in my life where I feel like I have no willpower at all when it comes to food. I feel like I turn to food for anything. I even turn to food when I don't feel like eating it. When I started bingeing, it would be on naughty foods I absolutely loved. Now I can binge on anything. I don't want to treat my body this way, I want to change.
Why am I here? Well there is the obvious eating disorder background. Although bingeing feels so different. I think that's also why I don't tell anyone. When you're anorexic, you're this fragile little being for whom many people will feel sympathy and concern (note: in no way do I miss being that person). But if I went and said to someone "Hey, I have a problem, I can't stop eating", they would just think that I was weak - "Just eat less!". Can't even blame them. If I saw someone who looked like me (not overweight, yet, and fit), I wouldn't take them seriously when they told me they binge eat. So maybe that's it. Maybe I feel like I need to LOOK like I have this problem. But that's stupid right? Cause I don't want to look that way. I want to fit into my clothes again, and I want to be fit an healthy. I need a different outlet for my emotions...
Lastly, how can I move on?? How the f* am I supposed to know. It's why I'm here. To work out how I can move on. This could be the first step, writing instead of bingeing. Sounds good to me. I know I also need to practice some self acceptance. I would say I probably love myself 50-70% of each day, but for the rest of the time... I think it's hard because I don't trust my perception. One day I will look in the mirror and see a beautiful, skinny girl, and the next day I'll see this chubby, ugly girl staring back at me. So how am I meant to know which one I am? I know which one I want to be. I know it takes positivity.

But here's the thing guys. I'm such a positive, happy person. In every other area of my life. Please don't think that I am utterly depressed or anything, I love my life. It's just this one aspect I can't get right, and I know that if I don't, it will affect me in the long-term. So what I need to do is to direct my positivity at my health and eating goals. Or no, just at my eating goals. Everything else is on track. How ridiculous. Surely I can do it. In every other are of my life, I thrive on challenges, I love challenges, and I always aim to do my best. But all the attempts I make at quitting the bingeing seem half hearted and I never succeed. And I know that's because subconsciously, the binge monster has something comforting about it. Something that has me convinced that I NEED to hold on to it. But, of course, rationally I know I don't.

Just one last thought. I remember reading somehwere that statistically, people that suffer from an addiction are generally addiction prone, so they will often replace on addiction with another (Just like Russel Brand, who went forth and back between sex addiction to drug addiction ;) ) So maybe that explains it. But then, I wonder if I can find a non-harmful addiciton to replace this one with. I know, isn't the curse of addiction the fact that it can never be good for you? So maybe not an addiction then. But maybe I can find something I LOVE that will replace my binges.

So as of today, my mission is to distract myself. Next time I want to binge, I swear to either come here and post something, or to go for a walk with my beautiful doggy. I know the most dangerous situation in the next few days will be going to my Aussie sister's for tea tomorrow. She makes low fat dinner and desert, but I somehow always end up buying junk (think, 10 cookies or a block of chocolate) on the way home and then pigging out. So, tomorrow night, before I leave home, I'll leave my money at home! Remind me of that, will you??

Love, M.

I promised myself that this would be the one place for honest confessions.

So here goes. I did it again. Made some dough. DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN MAKE COOKIE DOUGH WITHOUT EGGS? Well. turns out you can. It's basically margarine, brown sugar and flour. Does that sound gross to anyone else? Yeah, sounds gross to me, too, but I just kept going back for more.

I would like to think that tomorrow is a new beginning. I might even tell you what I'm eating and all, so that I have someone to be accountable to.

Anyways, on that note, I am off to bed.

Love, M.

Welcome, Ladies and Gentlemen....

Or maybe not quite so formal?

This blog is more or less created out of desperation.
Don't get me wrong, I love writing. But in this case, writing might be my last resort.
For a bit of background. My name is M, I'm a 19 year old female and gym junkie. I'm not an original Aussie, but definitely an Aussie at heart, or so I like to think.
Anyway, for the last... well... let's be honest here. For the last 2 years, I have been battling binge eating. I started out at a beautiful 57kgs, and loved the way I looked. Just not enough. If you're female and reading this, I'm sure you can identify when I say that 'I felt fat'... I thought if only I could get under 55kgs, life would be perfect. Yeah right!
Now, what makes this story a bit different is that in about 2005, I struggled with anorexia and got to about 39kgs, before I realised that life was too good to simply hand over to an eating disorder. So after spending a year (2004/2005) starving myself into delirium, I then spent the same amount of time (mostly 2006) eating myself back into life. With that came many moments of self loathing, self doubt and insecurity. But in the end it was like I was a caterpillar turned into a butterfly. I'd gone from this unhappy, insecure little girl to a more confident, more mature, and more than anything more appreciative young woman. How idyllic!
But, people have a point when they say that even if manage to beat an eating disorder, it will always be part of you. Only mine decided to hide, evovle, and return with a different face: the face of bingeing.
So when five years ago, I would banish food from my life when faced with a struggle, I now reach for anything I can get my hands on to numb my feelings, or to punish myself for whatever reason. Admittedly, the voice in my head is a different one. It feels much less self destructive and life-absorbing than the one of anorexia did. But it is nevertheless harmful, hurtful and dangerous.
Thanks to that new, evolved eating disordered voice, my weight has spiralled up to 67kgs, which is where I am now. Sitting here in front of my laptop.

So many people say 'I got skinny thinking I was too fat when I wasn't' - I'm so scared that that will be me in a few years' time. And what scares me even more? I am so goddamn aware of all these things that will happen if I carry on the way I am at the moment! Kilo after kilo after kilo.
And all that while I adore healthy eating, and I love exercise. I love exercise so much, but not in a disordered way. It's not about burning calories, but about setting and achieving goals, about getting all those beautiful endorphins released by a good workout, and about loving your body when you see it at its best. And teaching classes; teaching classes is the best thing ever: You get to share your passion with others and make them love what you love! Are you jealous of my love for exercise yet? No? Well you don't have to be, anyway.
My struggle with food puts a shadow on all of that. I am so sick of bingeing. You know what I did just then? And yesterday, for that matter?
I made cookie dough. Lots. And I ate it. All of it. Enough for a whole batch of cookies.
I am at a point where it feels like there is now food that I can safely keep in the house without pigging out on it. I hate myself for that sort of behaviour, but I don't know how to combat it. And noone in my close circle of family and friends understands the severity of my behaviour. All I hear is 'you're skinny though, I can hardly tell that you have put on weight'. But they don't know that it's far from over. They don't know that while I might be skinny, I eat like a big person, and I eat and eat and eat and I will keep eating until I AM no longer skinny. And they don't know that I feel so helpless, that I feel like I have no choice.
Now, I know I have a choice, but for some reason I am not choosing. Or rather, I am choosing, but not choosing choosing. Because if I was, I wouldn't be here. There is something keeping me from going through with it, from leaving this eating disorder behind just like I left the other one behind.

So, that's why I'm here, writing this blog.
Just so that maybe, just maybe, I can find out the odd thing or two about my own behaviour. And also so that in moments where I want to reach for whatever food item is there to binge on, I can binge on words instead!

Love, M.