Monday, 5 July 2010

Loneliness... that's what I was gonna talk about.

So. Loneliness.
Like I said before, I think feeling lonely is something that sets off binging for me.
I seem to often cancel on social outings, and then end up binging. I don't know, it's just something I do. I think it's because I 'punish' myself for being what I consider anti-social.
As I'm writing that, rational self is screaming that I'm being silly. Of course, everyone will sometimes cancel on something, and opt for a night in over a night out. But whenever I do, I am overwhelmed by an urge to binge. Most of the time part of the reason for my cancellation will be cause I don't want to go over calories while out, like when it's about drinking or eating out... So I guess my subconscious mind is led to believe that because I am staying in, I am saving calories, which means I can have a handful of [insert high fat / sugar / carb food here], and we all know where that ends.
So I guess I can add that to me list of binge triggers.

But anyway I have gone off topic.
Do you ever think about loneliness?
I have this theory: I think we ALL sometimes feel lonely. It's just something humans do. Even the most popular people will feel lonely sometimes. Even my Aussie mum, who I think is such a social bee, said to me the other day that she felt like she had no friends. And my best friend said it to me on the weekend... "I need more friends." And I was like "no you don't, you have friends, you just think you don't." But then I went home and felt the same way. Why is it we feel lonley so easily, and why is it we sometimes forget how many people there are in our lives that actually care for us?

Here's the thing. I think one of my biggest problems is being single. The fact that I'm not over my ex isn't helping the matter at all. He broke up four months ago and my heart still aches when I see him, with his amazing skin, gorgeous hair, beautiful voice and eyes. I just can't help it. And we are such good friends. He is so nice to me, as if we were still together, just minus love and sex. But anyway, my point is that, being single at the moment, I feel like there is a huge gap in my life, like I really really need to fill it or I'll just be lonely. That's so weird, because I never have been a relationship person. But with Mr Ex my whole outlook on the topic changed, and I now want nothing more than to feel that connected to someone I love (as ridiculously as it sounds, I honestly thought I might marry this guy).
So now I often feel like no one else will ever come along. I feel like this perfect guy rejected me, so no one will want me, or I won't find someone I can love that much again. I get really sad and depressed when I see happy couples, or even when I'm watching movies or TV and there are two people in love. I just long for it so much, and that's a side of me I never knew before.
So why do we measure loneliness by whether we are in a relationship or not?
It's silly, right? Because loneliness is so person-independent. By that I nmean that you can be married, but still be the lonliest person. Shouldn't we ourselves, in a way, be good enough company FOR ourselves? Does this maybe come back to "if you love yourself, others can love you"... So that if I don't love myself, maybe I can't RECOGNISE the fact that others can or will love me... And don't they say you gotta be open for love in order for it to come?
I don't know. I feel like I'm having a bit of a Carrie Bradshaw moment, to be honest. (although I haven't used her "I couldn't help but wonder" yet ;) )

All I do know is that I DO have friends. In fact I even have a best friend. And I have a family that loves me. And I also know that loneliness should not depend on a romantic relationship, as well as I know that cancelling on plans is OK once in a while. But the problem is, just like when rational and binge self are having a fight, that my conscience hasn't quite conviced my subonscience of these apparent facts of life, so I figure I will just keep repeating them to myself....


Just on a different note: Binge free day number 3 is done and dusted. And I stayed within calories. Baby steps! :)

love, M.

1 comment:

  1. I'll try this in english ;)

    So, I'm through all of your posts. And I was like "naaah.. thats me!" most of the time. I'm serious.. Being honest it feels kind of.. good!? But it's really sad that we are that helpless when it comes to food. But I promise.. It's getting better.

    Do you know what moved me alot?!
    It was this post about men and relationship etc.
    I think I know best what it feels like missing that special someone and the fear of never being "The one"... but please be careful... dont do a mistake like I did. I'm so stuck to this asshole and I'm so suffering. Espacially now that the cuties are on vacation for 2 weeks.. and it's just the second day they're gone...

    Take care.. let me know when there's anything I can do for you...
    and keep me updated!