Firstly thanks for the support on today's first post, I really appreciate it. In general thanks to everyone who is reading.
I'm just back to say that I did binge... And it was terible. I had the biggest inner conflict going on all through it, yet I didn't stop!!!! Gahh.
Not that I know much about psychology, but I remember reading about self-fullfilling prophecies once. That basically means that whenever someone is led to expect something to occur / or someone to act a certain way or have certain attributes based on whatever detail of that persons' character, they will subconsciously make it happen. (I read this in regards to stereotypes, where it's basically like, if a teenager is constantly exposed to the idea that all teenagers take drugs, they are more inclined to eventually take drugs themselves) By all means correct me if I am wrong.
Anyway, I think with that first post alone, I set myself up for failure. Because I acknowledged that I acknowledged my inner struggle with the rice puddings! I thought I wouldn't be able to resist them, then I posted that fear here, and as a result I wasn't able to resist them. So I had all four. Awesome lunch, hey? And after that, it all went downhill because I had to try soo hard to fight the urge to binge. I had tea at my Aussie mums' house and stopped and got junk on the way home. It was dreadful, because I pulled up at three different places, made myself turn around and not get anything twice, and then gave in. Bloody hell.
It's all nice and pretty that I recognise that thinking does not equal acting, but if I don't apply it, that recognition won't get me very far, will it?? I think that brings me back to the idea of having to take it one step at a time, and being willing to accept a relapse when it happens. But now I just feel like I am making excuses!!! I feel so unhappy with myself right now.
At my Aussie mum's, I almost told her about my problem. Noone actually knows, except for my lovely people on Ck, and one of my friends in Germany (who is probably reading, hi!). I didn't tell anyone because I don't feel like they will be able to understand, like at all.
Funnily enough the psychologist asked me about that. It was a bit like this:
Her: Does anyone know you are here today?
Me: No, I'm too scared to tell anyone about my binging, because they won't understand and it's embarassing.
Her: Why do you think that? Is there anyone you'd like to tell?
Me: My Aussie mum, I guess. But I don't know, I'm scared of what she'll think.
Her: What would she think?
Me: Well, actually I have no idea.... (pause to think, and here I remembered that my hostmum used to be really overweight, and told me lots about her struggle with emotional eating; end pause) I don't think she could judge me really... Actually maybe she would understand.
Her: See. So why haven't you told her?
Why haven't I? I want to, but I'm still scared. Although I know that she is likely to be the one person that will understand, I feel like I am putting myself in an incredibly vulnerable position by telling her. I guess I am also scared that after I tell her, she will think about what a pig I am everytime we have a meal together... Is that ridiculous? Or is it reasonable?
I just feel like it would be so good to have someone that is neither a psychologist nor a member of an online forum to talk to about this. Someone that knows me. But the problem is, that I can't possibly tell anyone who has never in any shape or form struggled with food, because they would simply not understand (take my best friend as a prime example). But I just wish that I had someone to whom I could say look, the reason I am so sad tonight is because I binged yesterday, or because I know that when I drive home I will feel compelled to binge. The reason I'm so quiet is because I am unhappy with myself, because I am doubting myself beyong belief, because I think everyone is judging me for how I look. But I don't have anyone like that just yet.
This sounds a lot more negative than it should, but I hope you understand what I am trying to say.
On a different note, I think I want to change my hair colour.
I am thinking maybe a dark red. I had red hair years ago and loved it, but got over it quickly, so I would only go semi permanent this time. Hmm. I am so tempted! Maybe I'll go tomorrow?
Anyway, I apologise for turning this good day into a bad one... Good night fellow bloggers! xxx