nervous.

Damn, I just wrote a huge post on today's psychologist session. And accidentally deleted it... I'm not going to write it all again now, but tomorrow.
It was a post about my issues with feeling hungry, and my 'homework' for the week in regards to that. But I'll tell you tomorrow.

When I deleted the post, I was just getting onto the second part of the session:
One of my biggest issues is that I feel so lonely with this problem I've got. At least in real life. No one knows that I binge, that I have such a huge problem with how I perceive myself, or that I have been seeing a psychologist. And the pressure of being alone with that is really getting to me.
I know I posted about this before, but I just still haven't overcome my fear of telling someone. I am so scared to be judged. I think my worst fear is that if I tell someone, the first thing they will think when looking at me from then on is "she's a binge eater". And I really don't want that.
On the other hand, I really, really want to be able to speak to someone. The more I don't talk about it, the more I seem to be retreating into this world of no confidence and constant self-doubt and criticism.
It's especially bad at the moment, being back at uni, because I feel everyone is looking at me thinking "wow she has gotten so big." I know this brings us back to my problem of trying to read other peoples' minds and predict what they think about me based on what I think about myself, but I can't help it. Although I am trying to work through it.

I've honestly been feeling almost depressed for the past few days, and I am sick of it. I need to tell someone. So my second piece of 'homework' given to me in todays' session is to tell someone.
I'm going to tell my Aussie mum. I rang her after the gym tonight and asked if I could call in for a cuppa tomorrow. She wanted to know why and I said I'd tell her then, but I'm already ridiculously scared... God, I am so scared of what she will think.
The reason I am doing it so soon now is because we are going away this weekend... I just want her to understand how much I don't like myself at the moment, and how much everything is a struggle, and how sad I am when I overeat over and over again and how out of control I feel. I just want her to know all that before we go. I don't want her to wonder what's wrong if I am not super-happy; I want her to just know, so I can be more at ease, too. I will tell you how it goes...

Love,
M.