Wednesday, 28 July 2010


Damn, I just wrote a huge post on today's psychologist session. And accidentally deleted it... I'm not going to write it all again now, but tomorrow.
It was a post about my issues with feeling hungry, and my 'homework' for the week in regards to that. But I'll tell you tomorrow.

When I deleted the post, I was just getting onto the second part of the session:
One of my biggest issues is that I feel so lonely with this problem I've got. At least in real life. No one knows that I binge, that I have such a huge problem with how I perceive myself, or that I have been seeing a psychologist. And the pressure of being alone with that is really getting to me.
I know I posted about this before, but I just still haven't overcome my fear of telling someone. I am so scared to be judged. I think my worst fear is that if I tell someone, the first thing they will think when looking at me from then on is "she's a binge eater". And I really don't want that.
On the other hand, I really, really want to be able to speak to someone. The more I don't talk about it, the more I seem to be retreating into this world of no confidence and constant self-doubt and criticism.
It's especially bad at the moment, being back at uni, because I feel everyone is looking at me thinking "wow she has gotten so big." I know this brings us back to my problem of trying to read other peoples' minds and predict what they think about me based on what I think about myself, but I can't help it. Although I am trying to work through it.

I've honestly been feeling almost depressed for the past few days, and I am sick of it. I need to tell someone. So my second piece of 'homework' given to me in todays' session is to tell someone.
I'm going to tell my Aussie mum. I rang her after the gym tonight and asked if I could call in for a cuppa tomorrow. She wanted to know why and I said I'd tell her then, but I'm already ridiculously scared... God, I am so scared of what she will think.
The reason I am doing it so soon now is because we are going away this weekend... I just want her to understand how much I don't like myself at the moment, and how much everything is a struggle, and how sad I am when I overeat over and over again and how out of control I feel. I just want her to know all that before we go. I don't want her to wonder what's wrong if I am not super-happy; I want her to just know, so I can be more at ease, too. I will tell you how it goes...



  1. I hope it all goes ok M, it will be a huge weight off your shoulders once you have someone you can physically see and pick up the phone and call when you are feeling like binging. You have said befoe that your Aussie Mum has struggled with her weight too, I'm sure she will understand and probably has been through similar things..Good luck x

  2. Good luck, I'll be thinking about you <3