Friday, 2 July 2010

Welcome, Ladies and Gentlemen....

Or maybe not quite so formal?

This blog is more or less created out of desperation.
Don't get me wrong, I love writing. But in this case, writing might be my last resort.
For a bit of background. My name is M, I'm a 19 year old female and gym junkie. I'm not an original Aussie, but definitely an Aussie at heart, or so I like to think.
Anyway, for the last... well... let's be honest here. For the last 2 years, I have been battling binge eating. I started out at a beautiful 57kgs, and loved the way I looked. Just not enough. If you're female and reading this, I'm sure you can identify when I say that 'I felt fat'... I thought if only I could get under 55kgs, life would be perfect. Yeah right!
Now, what makes this story a bit different is that in about 2005, I struggled with anorexia and got to about 39kgs, before I realised that life was too good to simply hand over to an eating disorder. So after spending a year (2004/2005) starving myself into delirium, I then spent the same amount of time (mostly 2006) eating myself back into life. With that came many moments of self loathing, self doubt and insecurity. But in the end it was like I was a caterpillar turned into a butterfly. I'd gone from this unhappy, insecure little girl to a more confident, more mature, and more than anything more appreciative young woman. How idyllic!
But, people have a point when they say that even if manage to beat an eating disorder, it will always be part of you. Only mine decided to hide, evovle, and return with a different face: the face of bingeing.
So when five years ago, I would banish food from my life when faced with a struggle, I now reach for anything I can get my hands on to numb my feelings, or to punish myself for whatever reason. Admittedly, the voice in my head is a different one. It feels much less self destructive and life-absorbing than the one of anorexia did. But it is nevertheless harmful, hurtful and dangerous.
Thanks to that new, evolved eating disordered voice, my weight has spiralled up to 67kgs, which is where I am now. Sitting here in front of my laptop.

So many people say 'I got skinny thinking I was too fat when I wasn't' - I'm so scared that that will be me in a few years' time. And what scares me even more? I am so goddamn aware of all these things that will happen if I carry on the way I am at the moment! Kilo after kilo after kilo.
And all that while I adore healthy eating, and I love exercise. I love exercise so much, but not in a disordered way. It's not about burning calories, but about setting and achieving goals, about getting all those beautiful endorphins released by a good workout, and about loving your body when you see it at its best. And teaching classes; teaching classes is the best thing ever: You get to share your passion with others and make them love what you love! Are you jealous of my love for exercise yet? No? Well you don't have to be, anyway.
My struggle with food puts a shadow on all of that. I am so sick of bingeing. You know what I did just then? And yesterday, for that matter?
I made cookie dough. Lots. And I ate it. All of it. Enough for a whole batch of cookies.
I am at a point where it feels like there is now food that I can safely keep in the house without pigging out on it. I hate myself for that sort of behaviour, but I don't know how to combat it. And noone in my close circle of family and friends understands the severity of my behaviour. All I hear is 'you're skinny though, I can hardly tell that you have put on weight'. But they don't know that it's far from over. They don't know that while I might be skinny, I eat like a big person, and I eat and eat and eat and I will keep eating until I AM no longer skinny. And they don't know that I feel so helpless, that I feel like I have no choice.
Now, I know I have a choice, but for some reason I am not choosing. Or rather, I am choosing, but not choosing choosing. Because if I was, I wouldn't be here. There is something keeping me from going through with it, from leaving this eating disorder behind just like I left the other one behind.

So, that's why I'm here, writing this blog.
Just so that maybe, just maybe, I can find out the odd thing or two about my own behaviour. And also so that in moments where I want to reach for whatever food item is there to binge on, I can binge on words instead!

Love, M.

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