Friday, 2 July 2010

This could be the first day of a binge-free life (or, lots of philosophical rambling)

I just need to commit.

Unsurprisingly, I woke up feeling horrible. The scales showed a shocking 68.5kgs - and alltime high. Now, I know that it's fluid etc, but it's still horrible, and it still shocked me.
I started the day with a double at the gym and am currently sipping a big skinny latte, while trying to figure out where I am at, why I am here, and how I can move on.
Where am I at?? I am at a point in my life where I feel like I have no willpower at all when it comes to food. I feel like I turn to food for anything. I even turn to food when I don't feel like eating it. When I started bingeing, it would be on naughty foods I absolutely loved. Now I can binge on anything. I don't want to treat my body this way, I want to change.
Why am I here? Well there is the obvious eating disorder background. Although bingeing feels so different. I think that's also why I don't tell anyone. When you're anorexic, you're this fragile little being for whom many people will feel sympathy and concern (note: in no way do I miss being that person). But if I went and said to someone "Hey, I have a problem, I can't stop eating", they would just think that I was weak - "Just eat less!". Can't even blame them. If I saw someone who looked like me (not overweight, yet, and fit), I wouldn't take them seriously when they told me they binge eat. So maybe that's it. Maybe I feel like I need to LOOK like I have this problem. But that's stupid right? Cause I don't want to look that way. I want to fit into my clothes again, and I want to be fit an healthy. I need a different outlet for my emotions...
Lastly, how can I move on?? How the f* am I supposed to know. It's why I'm here. To work out how I can move on. This could be the first step, writing instead of bingeing. Sounds good to me. I know I also need to practice some self acceptance. I would say I probably love myself 50-70% of each day, but for the rest of the time... I think it's hard because I don't trust my perception. One day I will look in the mirror and see a beautiful, skinny girl, and the next day I'll see this chubby, ugly girl staring back at me. So how am I meant to know which one I am? I know which one I want to be. I know it takes positivity.

But here's the thing guys. I'm such a positive, happy person. In every other area of my life. Please don't think that I am utterly depressed or anything, I love my life. It's just this one aspect I can't get right, and I know that if I don't, it will affect me in the long-term. So what I need to do is to direct my positivity at my health and eating goals. Or no, just at my eating goals. Everything else is on track. How ridiculous. Surely I can do it. In every other are of my life, I thrive on challenges, I love challenges, and I always aim to do my best. But all the attempts I make at quitting the bingeing seem half hearted and I never succeed. And I know that's because subconsciously, the binge monster has something comforting about it. Something that has me convinced that I NEED to hold on to it. But, of course, rationally I know I don't.

Just one last thought. I remember reading somehwere that statistically, people that suffer from an addiction are generally addiction prone, so they will often replace on addiction with another (Just like Russel Brand, who went forth and back between sex addiction to drug addiction ;) ) So maybe that explains it. But then, I wonder if I can find a non-harmful addiciton to replace this one with. I know, isn't the curse of addiction the fact that it can never be good for you? So maybe not an addiction then. But maybe I can find something I LOVE that will replace my binges.

So as of today, my mission is to distract myself. Next time I want to binge, I swear to either come here and post something, or to go for a walk with my beautiful doggy. I know the most dangerous situation in the next few days will be going to my Aussie sister's for tea tomorrow. She makes low fat dinner and desert, but I somehow always end up buying junk (think, 10 cookies or a block of chocolate) on the way home and then pigging out. So, tomorrow night, before I leave home, I'll leave my money at home! Remind me of that, will you??

Love, M.


  1. Hey M,
    so glad I found your blog and I can totally relate to a lot of what you are saying. One thing which I have been working on lately is loving myself and seeing myself as being beautiful in many ways, not just on the outside. When I am feeling beautiful and loving myself, I don't even think to binge. I want to nurture my body as best I can. It is a hard thing to do, but I am working on it and I know that you can do it as well.

  2. Wow Ally I only just saw your comment. Nice to know you are reading, I didn't think anyone was. Your blog is just wonderful by the way.