Monday, 12 July 2010

I'm ok?

Evening fellow bloggers, bingers and whatever else you are.
I feel I need to blog to stop myself from bingeing right now. It's always hard to get back into it after the weekend, isn't it? (unless, obviously, if you have been good all weekend, and I clearly haven't).

Last night I almost binged. I ate about 2800 calories, most of which were milk, though. God I love milk. When I entered it all, though, I realised that I didn't want to make the day worse. I also didn't really hit a moment of 'lost control', so I will let myself off.
Bought these milk coffee biscuits, though, cause I have to make a cake for Saturday. I need about 1.5 packets for it, so obviously had to buy two. Why did I buy them today?? It's silly, I know what I'm like. I've been sitting here for the past hour thinking about slowly devouring a whole packet. So now I partly surrendered and got 6 out. I won't have more. I promise.
Calorie wise that brings me to 1800, but that's ok, because I exercised a lot today. Why though did I want to binge so badly? I think the main trigger tonight is 'habit'. It's like I have programmed by brain to believe that I can't buy certain foods anymore without bingeing on them. And cookies, being my biggest weakness, make the top of the list. Yet, completely neglecting the sensible me, I went and bought these cookies days before I would even use them. But, hey, if I stop now, I will achieve two vital things, those being a) that I can trust myself a little more and b) that I am binge free for 11 days. 11 days! MUST. NOT. RUIN. THAT.

On a different note. I did a pregnancy test today. Now, before your alarm bells ring, I didn't reaaally think I was pregnant. Actually, there was almost no way, caus I'm pretty sensible. And the test was negative, too. Anyway, the reason I took it was that I haven't had my period since about February, when my boyfriend broke up and went off the pill thinking there was no longer a point for the time being (which turned out to be a false assumption, but that's besides the point).
So to explain why then I didn't get worried I need to go back a bit. Remember how I said about being anorexic in 2005? Well, at the time, I'd had my period for about a year. But obviously when you become really underweight, your body goes "yeah, the last thing we need now is a child, so let's take the focus off that stupid ovulation and hope we can keep that fragile starving heart going instead"... So it was goodbye period. The strange thing was, that even as I was back to eating healthily, enough and being at a healthy weight, it didn't come back. So what I was advised to do by my Gyno (spelling?) was to take these hormones that set off my period, and to then go on the pill to keep it coming. Done and done. So for the past 3/4 years, I hadn't actually ever had my period without the input of hormones from the pill.
So then when I went off it at the start of the year, I kinda expected it to be irregular. But what I didn't expect was not getting it AT ALL. Like not even the slightest little bit. And it's been five months.
What scares me is that a lot of anorexics become infertile, because they make their bodies stop ovulating for so long. I have often had that thought in the past few years, but never really in a serious way. I guess I'm only 19, and to be honest I imagine my life to be much for fullfilled with a job and partner than with a child. But still, not having the OPTION of having children would be a drawback.
So yeah, I don't really know what to do. I am considering going to the Doc's about it... But I just feel silly, because I don't really *want* children. Ah I don't know. Wouldn't it be weird? Or maybe I'm just scared of the truth... I might ring them tomorrow if I can work up the courage... Maybe.
Funnily enough I just watched an episode of Skins, and one of the girls finds out she is infertile, which basically makes her break down. I can't see myself reacting like that, although to be fair I can't picture any sort of reaction because I still don't believe it's the case. But, what a coincidence, hey? Anyway, please do share any advice or thoughts you have (if there actually is someone out there, that is).

I will have two more cookies, and then I'm off to bed. Just two more, I promise.


1 comment:

  1. Hey M! ;-)

    Well done with the cookies! OMG those milk cookies are so addictive hey? I'm proud of you for not binging and have self control. Now that you know you can do it, you will be that much stronger for when it happens again! :-)

    As for the lack of your period, I wouldnt be embarrassed about ringing the doctor. The fact that you dont want a child right now doesn't matter, you not having a period means that something isnt quite right and I'm sure they wont even think twice about getting you checked out. Mine had always been regular ever since I was 12, then randomly they started happening every 2 weeks and being irregular about this time last year. It turns out that it was my hormones going crazy. (I was diagnosed with PCOS not long after) One of the major side effects of PCOS is that you may not be able to have kids - I dont know if that is the case for me yet, as, like you I havent even considered if I WANT kids yet, but it is something whcih is in my mind.

    I went through a phase when I was 13 where I didnt eat. I wouldnt say I was anorexic, as I never got so bad that I had to be taken to a doctor, but I did lose about 8kgs in a few months and back then I didnt have much to lose. It lasted for about 6 months and then for some reason I snapped out of it - lucky I guess. However I know that my period stopped during that time, but then it came back.

    Sometimes when you are doing a lot of exercising your period can get a bit messed up as well?
    I'm sure you are fine though! :-) Just go check it out and at least that will put you at ease!
    Good luck!