Sometimes I wonder

Somtimes I wonder how many more times I will start all over again.
Sometimes I wonder how many more times I will tell myself "this is the last time I'm doing this".
Sometimes I wonder how many more times I will wake up feeling full, sluggish and bloated after binging the day before.
Sometimes I wonder how many more times I will opt out of change and numb myself with food.

On the upside, I rang a psychologist today. As I was saying on ck, I'm a little bit sceptic. It seems all counsellors around here are not specified on eating disorders (which makes me go: WTH?! There are so many people with EDs out there). So I just rang a general psychology place and got an appointment with a psychologist on Monday morning at 9am. I just hope that she has at leats encountered someone with binge eating before.

Now the weekend is stretching out ahead of me like a big challenge in terms of food. I don't want to binge again. I will really try tomorrow and Sunday. I've eaten the odd bits and pieces today, but not really felt hungry at all. Although I am craving a whole lot of vegies, so that's what I'll have for dinner.

Also, I think yesterday's binge has pushed me over the edge into being sick. I have such a sore throat, but still had to teach a class today and am doing a double at the gym tomorrow. So I'll just try and rest up, eat lots of fresh foods, and pray that I feel a whole lot better tomorrow.

(That's my tat, btw. I need to remember that I have Strength on my back. Mental and physical. Haven't seen much of the mental strrength of late. I need to believe in myself more)


Love,
M.