It's crazy how many poeple there actually are that seem to have the same issues as I do.
In a way, of course, it's such a reassurance to know I'm not alone. But it also makes me sad and scared. It's horrible to think how many others experience the same episodes of bingeing, and also how many of those people have probably had this for years and years, as opposed to just one year or a few months.
If I know one thing, then it is that I want to overcome this. I will not eat myself into obesity. I won't. I do value my health, I really do. I know that somewhere down the track, I lost my sense of direction, so I just need to find it again. I mean, what would really be so bad about being normal? Nothing, that's right. It shouldn't be my relationship to food setting me apart from others. That's not the aspect of myself that makes me unique. I have so much more to offer. Like having turned my passion for gym classes into a career. Like having two families, one in Germany, one in Australia, that are always there to support me. Like having moved over here when I was only 16 and being failry independent at 19. Like knowing what I want, and being able to put the effort into getting it. That's me. Not bingeing. It's like bingeing is the other me.
Just for that last point I made. That's something that really bugs me. I'm quite driven in all aspects of my life, just whenever I set myself a food-behaviour related goal, I don't succeed. Now one could argue that the reason is putting too many expectations on myself, wanting to be too perfect. But I don't think that's it, because is a binge free life really asking so much? I think the problem is that I don't believe in myself enough. I just don't believe that I have control over food anymore. So I think what I really need to do is reestablish my belief in myself and my own capabilities. I mean really, no control over food? Food isn't even alive. Food has no active ability to force me to eat it, it's all in my head. Then again, someone made a valid point the other day, when they said that while an alcoholic can cut out alcohol alltogether in order to get better, a binge eater can't. Because although food itself has no power, we still need to eat to survive. And I think that's where many people go wrong when they enter a binge-starve-binge-starve cycle. Of course denying everything will only lead to wanting everything.
So obviously, the key is moderation.
But how does one practice moderation if moderation is a foreign concept?
Honestly, I can't remember the last time I opened a packet of a treat type food and didn't finish it in a day. In most cases I may not have eaten it all at once, but maybe gone back to finish it after an hour or two, which is essentially the same. It just all seems a bit overwhelming. So I am meant to practice moderation, eat healthily but still allow myself trreats, and to drop the guilt. To me, at the moment, as soon as I drop the guilt, my ability to moderate my food intake goes out the window. At the same time though, feeling guilty makes me eat more. So I eat more either way? I guess that's the problem. But how do you go about solving a problem like that?
On another note, I am so sick. :( I have a horrible horrible sore throat and just feel generally tired and run down. I had to get my classes this morning covered, which really sucked because I love saturday morning classes, and all my Ladies had said they would be there... But sometimes you just need to take time out for a rest, right? Plus my voice wouldn't really survive for longer than 5 minutes anyway, when screaming into a microphone... Just hoping I will feel better tomorrow, because I'm meant to be filling in a class at a new gym...
Oh and also, does anyone know a good place to get ideas for tattoos? All the internet pages seem pretty crappy. I really want another one, just need some inspiration!