I'm alive!

Hey everyone,

Just wanted to say I am still alive!
I've been really really busy for the last few days, or so it seems. But to be fair, uni started again yesterday, and that is making me a lot busier. And I was basically out all weekend. Still, all I wanted to do was update my blog - I think it's a bit of an addiciton!

So here I am, in the spare hour between uni and gym.
Let me start with an update on my weight... Or, well, what I know. Remember how I said I was only going to weigh myself at night? That's what I have been doing, and pretty much my weight has only ever changed by 100-400g up or down, which means regardless of what I actually weigh, I have stayed the same. That's not great, but a huuuuge plus when compared to gaining weight!

Now to my eating. Still haven't counted any calories, but I am writing down my food. Except for today and yesterday, I pretty much managed to greatly reduce my sugar intake, and it felt good. But then I am back at uni now and there is the most delicious banana bread calling my name every time I get a coffee. Can't say I have resisted yet! I'll work on it.
In terms of binging, I've been doing ok. I haven't binged. I still feel like I kind of overeat each and every day though, and that's annoying. But it's not binging.
Seeing the psychologist again tomorrow, too, so that should be good.

So while all that sounds great, I can't say I have been too happy for some reason. I've been feeling pretty lonely again (why???) and just generally a little negative. I also find it really hard to look at myself in the mirror at the moment, because I feel so 'fat'.
This gonna sound horrible, but I think my best friend plays a pretty significant role in why I've been unhappy... Please don't get me wrong guys, I love her to bits. She is amazing. But she is so negative. She is probably the most negative person I have in my life. And she only ever complains that she hates her life, she wishes she was prettier, she hates this or that person... She isn't motivated and always complains that everything is 'too hard'. And I find myself doing the same now!! I am actually shocked everytime I hear myself say "f*ck life", because she says it all the time, and I don't even mean it (and I doubt that she does, she is just unhappy with herself). But you know how when you repeat something over and over, it becomes exactly the way you feel? So yeah. My self talk is pretty bad at the moment. The problem is though that even if it wasn't, then I still hear my best friend say that kind of thing 24/7, which is essentially the same as me saying it... I might bring that up with the psychologist tomorrow.

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I had to come back to finish this post. Just adding one thing: Today was weird in terms of eating. It was like I was so dissatisfied. Nothing I ate really made me feel good at all, I kept feeling kind of hungry, I wanted to binge all day, but at the same time I didn't (went to the supermarket and stared at all the junk food... then decided it would make me feel even worse and only bought a single muffin, which I guess is a good thing!). Just nothing felt right. I'm not sure why. So in the end I probably ate too much today, although at least I was sensible enough not to binge.

There's a few other things I want to say but quite frankly don't have time right now.
But I will keep you updated.

Love,
Maurine