Thursday, 15 July 2010

How embarassing.

*Warning: This post is going to be quite contradictory to that of yesterday.*

When, WHEN did I start being like this??
Today has been a complete disaster - a huge binge. It started at lunchtime, and finished just now (I hope).... It involved cookies, chocolate, cookie dough and ice cream (sweet tooth anyone). And now I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself. I hate that I do this and that I am so AWARE of my behaviour.

This is me just then: Went and bought a block of chocolate, get in the car, open the chocolate. First thought (accompanied by a choc square): "Damn, I should really stop binging." Next piece. "I wonder if you can get help, like see a psychologist or something" Next piece. "Nah, that would be silly, noone would take me for granted." HA!

And here's another, possibly my biggest, problem and binge trigger. It's something that wasn't the initial trigger for my binges, but something that I feel keeps them coming. (I want to kick myself for thinking, for saying, this, but I will. It's about honesty here.) So what's the trigger? - I'm not fat. (WHAT?!) That's right. For some reason, I feel like in order to start really fighting this, I need to look the part, or else I don't deserve help... But seriously??
I think it was a bit like this when I was struggling with anorexia, too. Mentally I was most definitely *sick*, but physically I wasn't quite so skinny yet, so I *needed* to keep losing weight. Then finally, when I was so skinny that my parents got scared, I was ready to seek help. I almost felt like then, I deserved/actually needed the treatment (and like at that point no one would say: "what, she's anorexic? Yeah right, just look at her, she's not even skinny")
And that's why I think that it's the same crime being repeated here, just by a different criminal.
Also, I actually think that I am opting for binging purely because no other eating disorder appeals anymore. This sounds so bad, but let me explain: Anorexia is something that I deeply dispise, because I can still picture myself day after day, lonely by choice but incredibly hurt and fragile, sitting on my bed, crying, thinking about what I could but never would eat. No. I hate it. Not only that, but I also exercise now, and I wouldn't want to lose form by not eating (yet at the same time, I stuff my face with crap, which is also counterproductive, but nevermind...) And then there's Bulimia. But oh god, that, to me, is the most horrible thing. I just can't throw up (and thank goodness for that, it's so dangerous in the long run), I don't even do it when I'm drunk. So what else is there, aside from being normal, which clearly I'm not? Right, binging.

I know none of that is an excuse. I'm really really over this though. But I'm too scared to get help. I don't know where to go. I'm scared that I'll go to someone, and they will tell me not to obsess, and that obviously I'm not *fat*, so I don't need help. I'm also scared that whoever I go to will not UNDERSTAND binging, and simply things I'm talking about the odd extra biscuit here and there. And even moreso I am scared to *come out*. It's so different to being too skinny. People don't see you as this poor, fragile little being, but rather as someone disgusting, who is a pig for not having any self control. That's what I think anyone. So how can I possibly go about telling someone "I have a huge problem with binge eating", when a) they will not understand what it means to binge and what loss of control feels like and when b) they will think that the simple decision to stop will be enough to stop.
I also dread the idea of telling someone about my problem, because I am, after all, a representative of the fitness industry. I feel like such a pretender. Day after day I have the joy of sharing my passion for exercise, and of motivating others. But I don't only motivate them to work out. I also motivate them to lead healthier lives. How dare I do that considering how unhealthy I myself am??

I don't know what to do. This has to stop!!

Love, M.

1 comment:

  1. Hey Maurine,

    I know what you mean exactly, this morning (and believe me I do this all the time) I weighed in at very close to goal, so I got to work and went hell I can have a biscuit, my numbers are good so it wont matter if I go over, I'm looked alright so why not have a spoonful of that chocolate frosting (followed by 5 more spoonfuls) and I hate that I do that, coz I feel terrible afterwards and its so counter productive to my goals...and like you I know I feel better when I exercise and eat's an awful viscious circle and you are not the only one. Are there people who specialise in treating people with binge eating disorders?
    Em x (lilblackangel85)