Saturday, 18 December 2010

Germany, Day 1

Dear blogging world,

I know I haven't posted here forever. But I think, given that I'll have stacks of free time for the next four to five weeks, and given that this time is also going to be particularily challenging in the food department, starting this blog again seems more than appropriate.

A quick recap of what's been going on: I was bingeing, got desperate, started this blog and saw a counsellor, got a lot better, with a few ups and downs. Still, I kept gaining weight, even if it wasn't much, and slowly. I then decided I wanted to finally do this weight loss thing, and it went well; I lost 2kgs in about a month. Fast forward two weeks, though, and I am sitting here, in Germany, in my parent's (or should I say 'my'?) home, having only arrived today, and I am basically back to where I started (read: to my heaviest weight), and struggling with incredible urges to binge.


I really did kickstart this holiday on a high note about an hour or so ago, when I was finally home alonge for a bit, and decided to raid the fridge, opting for a protein bar, a choclate bar and a few spoonfuls of chocolate cream cheese (too fricking nice, that stuff). Great. That's also when I decided that I was not going to spend this holiday bingeing every day, regardless of the amounts of super-yummy food surrounding me.

Therefore my plan if to check in here every day if I can. I might even record my food in here, but don't get your hopes up just yet.
All I really wantd to do is eat in a way that will allow me to not gain any more weight, while still enjoying the food I really want, in moderation. But we all know that, for a borderline-relapsing-binge-eater (like myself) that is easier said than done.

I think maybe the main reason I had that mini binge today was actually the fact that my weight was very much on my mind all day. My grandparents picked me up from the airport, and literally within the first 10 minutes, my granddad felt the need to say "Girl, you've really gotten some nice big cheeks" (I can't think of a better translating. The German word he used was "rund/dick", can't really remember, but either can mean anything from round, to big, to full, to fat, and of course in my mind, fat is what he meant).
Then, a few hours later, I saw my uncle, who apparently thought it appropriate to comment on my backside, saying "Oh, you've gotten yourself a real bum", which in my head translated to "Geez, look at that fat butt of yours"...
Therefore all that has been on my mind for the last few hours has been whether of not my weight gain (4 kgs since they saw me last) really is that noticeable. I even asked my lovely mum about it, and she said that my family only feel the need to make comments like that to highlight that I no longer look sick (as I was anorexic 5 yeas ago) , and that they really do not mean to call me fat. And while I can see how that could be true, I still don't believe it.

I now just feel fat. And apparently, whenever I feel that way, I also eat that way...

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